by admin | Nov 6, 2012 | Uncategorized
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung
We human beings are social animals with an innate drive for being in relationship with others. Consider societies' use of banning, shunning, or isolation as punishment,or even "time out" for kids to understand how important relationships are to our well-being. Fortunately, most of us have the opportunity to be in meaningful relationships every day in our families, workplaces, schools and communities.
Picture a nest of circles each moving further and further away from the one in the centre. These circles represent the relationship "systems" in which we function, beginning with the SELF in the inner most circle. The next circle contains personal and intimate relationships like family, close friends or neighbors. Relationships within these innermost systems are vital to our well-being. As the circles move outward, each one will contain less intimate relationships, such as workplaces,education systems or institutions; yet these relationships too can have both positive and negative effects on our well-being.
When each of our important relationships are reciprocal, strong and harmonius, our daily lives move along without too much distress. But feelings of peace and contentment quickly evaporate when disappointment or conflict emerges in one or more of these relationships.
A robust relationship means that it is full of health and strength; it's vigorous and can withstand the storms and upsets of life. We know that robust relationships don't just happen. Individuals must learn to become competent at initiating, developing and maintaining them. Consider the following competencies for helping to ensure that strong relationships exist in your life.
1. Having Clear Expectations for Self and Other
When we become involved with other people, we hold expectations related to shared values, interests, commitment, attitude, behavior and so on. When these expectations,which are held by both parties, are unrealistic or unfulfilled, the risk is disappointment and distress and, in the extreme, may even end the relationship. A good strategy is to be very clear about what we expect from each of our relationships, both from ourselves and from the other. This approach is of equal importance to personal,family, social and work relationships. Transparency, trust, integrity and openness are key factors in ensuring that what is wanted and needed by each individual can be shared, negotiated and met. Relationships change over time so occasionally revisting expectations can be a helpful exercise.
2. Accepting Personal Responsibility
Exercising personal responsibility means accepting the authority one has for directing a successful outcome. A person with a well-developed sense of responsibility recognizes that her actions have a direct impact on anyone with whom she is in relationship.Accepting personal responsibility means each choice is thoughtful and intended to earn trust. It means consistently doing what I said I'd do and when I cannot, renegotiating the required outcome in a timely manner. A responsible person does not put another person's well-being at risk for her own benefit, doesn't threaten nor try to control any of her relationships. It's easy to see how demonstrating this competency could
be an advantage in each one of our relationship circles.
3. Holding a Realistic Sense of Self
This can be complicated because of the fact that much of what motivates and drives us is largely unconscious. Considering this ego-driven reality, it's not surprising how often we're unaware of why we acted the way we did. Most of us have "blind spots" – things outside of our awareness until someone points them out. This requires the courage to ask for feedback even when we know it may result in a request for a behaviour change. It means we're willing to hold a mirror up on a regular basis and deeply examine the self-reflection. Having a realistic sense of self requires a clear understanding of one's personality, emotions, values, attitude and behaviour. Self-awareness is evident when there is no deception; the person operates from her genuine self, not from the place of someone she wishes to be. This competency allows for the freedom to be exactly who you are within each of your relationships.
4. Establishing And Maintaining Personal/Professional Boundaries
Our boundaries are what define us as being separate from another. Our skin denotes the boundary ofour physical being, however, we also have invisible boundaries – emotional, sexual, spiritual and relational. They exist and affect us. Therefore,we need to become conscious of them in order to communicate our limits to others.Relational boundaries define the relationship, and every relationship, even intimate ones, have limitations about what's appropriate. Our boundary limitations inform us about when and where to draw the line. When we're afraid to draw the line we risk being victimized or subservient. Fear, guilt, insecurity, or an overabundance of obligation can get in the way of drawing the line. Becoming firm about boundaries is enhanced when we emphasize the values that guide our lives. Core values such as respect, honesty, trust, kindness, tact and tolerance can ach act as a boundary builder. Skill development for this competency may include assertiveness or conflict resolution courses, or personal development through coaching or counselling.
If you're interested in understanding your attachment style in close relationships,go to the Authentic Happiness website and complete the Close Relationships Questionnaire:
[http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/default.aspx]
Take good care of yourself,
Kathleen
by admin | Oct 1, 2012 | Uncategorized
"Presence is a state of inner spaciousness." Eckhart Tolle
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What is Personal Presence?
Personal presence is often thought of as charisma, a level of magnetism or charm and is typically assigned to powerful personalities. Another way to think about personal presence, however, is in the context of a virtue represented by seriousness, dignity, and a certain depth of personality.
In this article I invite you to consider personal presence as involving four important dimensions of the Self – Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual, and in a context that brings the whole Self, with worthy intention into each situation.
Why Does Personal Presence Matter?
When we are fully present, it can draw the attention of, or be sustaining to others.For example the impact of personal presence as a critical factor in the support and care of people who are ill, grieving or in crisis, has been well documented. Most of us have had life experiences where the presence of another was profound and meaningful, even healing; we cherish those experiences.
In the world of work, personal presence is being proposed as a requisite for people seeking leadership roles. Commencing with the recruitment process through to performance reviews, having a stronger presence can indicate you're the kind of person others want to work with, be around or invest in.
Other circumstances where personal presence matters may include discussing a promotional opportunity, negotiating with a customer or client, joining a volunteer board or committee, settling the terms of a relationship, talking over a disagreement with your child – the list may be endless.
When we are fully present we are attentive and receptive to the environment around us, we're able to "tune into" what's happening. A colleague I worked with some time ago used to say "when you're in the room, BE in the room!" Many of us have an "authenticity gauge" for when people are in the room in a way that doesn't feel genuine, or not in the room at all. The result is an opposing force for the development of meaningful relationships and outcomes.
Not only does personal presence matter, it is a choice, and it is always within our control to be intentional about how we show up.
Exploring Personal Presence from Four Self-Dimensions
1. Physical Dimension
Our physical presence is what others can see about us. It is the image we portray. This includes our physique, how we dress and groom ourselves, how we walk, enter a room, stand, gesture and in general, take up space.
There is an abundance of literature about how various physical attributes have influenced career decisions over time. Some common examples: tall, handsome men with hair get promoted, overweight and obese people are stereotyped as unproductive or lazy, short, small women struggle to be seen or heard in meetings, and so on.
Whenever we meet another person our senses take in information about them – their physical appearance, how their voice sounds, how they smell, the words they use, and the gestures they make. We use that information to form an impression and we make a preliminary decision about them – positive, negative or indifferent.
Considering that each of us has the power to intentionally choose the image we want to project, and supposing that we can do that for any circumstance we face, think of the times when the projection of your physical presence mattered most and what,if anything you might have wanted to be different.
What is the impression being left by your Physical Presence?
2. Intellectual Dimension
Your intellectual self is demonstrated by how you think, problem solve, understand and communicate. The words you choose when you talk and write, the way in which you deliver and accept ideas, your level of transparency, all demonstrate personal presence from your intellectual self-dimension. How you seek and share knowledge also represents your intellectual self. Your intellectual presence can be enhanced by responding appropriately in the situation, asking meaningful questions, and encouraging others to participate.
Consider how you present your Intellectual Self?
3. Emotional Dimension
Being able to regulate mood, persevere when times are tough, manage indulgences, display empathy, and generate hope, all demonstrate emotional intelligence (EmotionalIntelligence by Daniel Goleman, 1994). We are emotionally present when we are aware of feelings, both our own and those of others, and when we are able to acknowledge those feelings. Acknowledgement can take place through actions, words and on occasion,silence. Our emotional presence is also demonstrated through interpersonal skills,ability to socialize, cooperate, network and collaborate.
If you want to know your Emotional Intelligence Quotient you can visitwww.myskillsprofile.com
4. Spiritual Dimension
Exploring personal presence from a spiritual dimension is not about examining religious beliefs, but rather it's about discovering the essence of ourselves. I concur with Tanis Helliwell that as humans we have both a soul and a personality, with the soul's essence as being and the personality's as doing. "Our personality is a construct we use to experience the world, but it is not the essential part of us." (Take Your Soul to Work, by Tanis Helliwell. 1999, p.26). Using this premise we can begin to examine our Spiritual self-dimension by considering whether there are differences between the Ideal Self and the Real Self we present to the world. Here are some questions to help you examine that idea:
- What is the vision I hold for my life?
- How do I demonstrate my values and the principles that guide my life?
- How do I maintain positivity in my life and my relationships?
- How do I inspire hope, in myself and in others?
- How do I demonstrate character, civility, concern, congruence?
- How often do cynicism, negativity, or irritability undermine my spiritual presence?
Being intentional about our Essence or Spiritual Dimension increases the probability that it is our Real Self who is in the room, in the situation, or sitting with the other.
How are you choosing to BE – Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally & Spiritually?
Take good care of yourself,
Kathleen
by admin | Jul 31, 2012 | Uncategorized
Ability may get you to the top but it takes character to keep you there." John Worden
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What is Character?
Character consists of the moral or ethical traits that form the individual nature of a person. An individual's character traits differ from their personal values, which are culture specific.
Linda Popov, author of The Family Virtues Guide and one of the founders of The Virtues Project, suggests that character consists of 52 Universal Virtues that exist in all of the world's faith traditions. They are soul qualities or spiritual principles that can be taught and are modeled through attitude and behavior.
Why Does Character Matter?
Throughout history people have written and spoken about the importance of character:
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." ~ Helen Keller
"Character – the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life – is the source from which self-respect springs." ~ Joan Didion, Novelist
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
From birth to death, character traits define one's potential for being in relationship with others and living a principled life. In The Family Virtues Guide, Popov explains how each of the 52 Virtues can be taught within families and demonstrated in behavioral terms to guide one's lived experience.
Character Traits As Career Enhancement
Using The Family Virtues Guide, here are a few character traits with potential for CAREER enhancement.
- Assertiveness: asking for what you want and need; but not at the expense of the other.
- Confidence: acting with strength; not allowing fear or doubt to prevent you from doing what you really want to do.
- Creativity: expressing new ideas; using the power of imagination to see old things in new ways.
- Detachment: choosing how to respond in each situation; feeling what you feel but not acting on the feeling unless you want to.
- Enthusiasm: being filled with a positive spirit; it is the way you go about doing something.
- Gentleness: moving wisely, touching softly, holding carefully, speaking quietly and thinking kindly.
- Honesty: being sincere, open, trustworthy and truthful; doing what you said you would do. Actions match words.
- Humility: Doing your best withoutattracing too much attention. Giving what you have to give, not to impress others, but just for the sake of giving.
- Love: Treating other people with care and respect.
- Moderation: Stopping before you go overboard. It is using self-discipline to keep from overdoing.
- Patience: Enduring a delay or troublesome situation without complaining. Sticking with something to finish it.
- Tact: Knowing what to say and what isbetter left unsaid. Thinking before you speak. Knowing when to stay silent.
Character Traits as Career Limitations:
There are also character traits, that as habits, have the potential to be career limiting. These are virtues that fit the cliche "too much of a good thing." Virtues with the potential to be career limiting include:
* Responsibility – Being responsible means being accountable for the results. However, when we take on more than our share of responsibility, we may be overfunctioning in our role and risk being perceived by others as controlling. At its' worst, being continuously overresponsible can lead to burnout.
* Self-discipline – Creating structure, order and efficiency in your life. Taken to the extreme, however, this virtue can become "over the top" behavior that seems excessive to others and can lead to conflict in individual relationships or within teams.
* Excellence – This is always about doing your very best. Since excellence is a desire for perfection, the risk comes when our personal standards are so high they require superhuman effort. Perfectionistic behavior can be extremely hard for others to tolerate or understand. Family relationships or team projects often suffer.
Discover Your Character Traits
If you'd like to know more about your personal character traits, the VIA Institute of Character offers a validated FREE psychological assessment at www.viacharacter.org This assessment takes 30-40 minutes to complete and provides you with 24 Character Strengths in order of priority.
For more information on The Virtues Project and how to bring character education into your life go to www.virtuesproject.com
Take good care of yourself,
Kathleen
by admin | Jun 28, 2012 | Uncategorized
"If you're always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you're in." Anonymous
This article follows a recent early morning walk in the park by my home where beautiful rose bushes were in bloom all along the path. As a "workaholic on a healing journey," I have to remind myself regularly to stop and smell the roses.
While we live and work in a high speed, high tech, demanding and competitive world, I believe it's our choice whether or not we get caught up in that chaos. We can skip lunch, grab a greasy burger and fries, or we can eat nutritiously and go for a 20 minute walk. We can register our kids in 4 activities a week or limit that to two. We can fall into bed exhausted at night or we can carve out an hour a day just for "me" time.
I also believe that experiencing chronic stress has become a norm in our culture and that it's here to stay. One author recently referred to the phenomenon as culturally induced ADD. The first line of Rudyard Kipling's famous poem IF outlines the challenge I think we face as individuals: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs…"
If, like me, you have an ongoing struggle to change your ways, it may be motivating to consider the difference between acute and chronic stress. The Stress Response in humans evolved as an immediate (acute) instinctual reaction to being faced with a threat to our physical survival. Whether or not this threat is perceived or real,the brain automatically triggers the hypothalamus to flood our bodies with the stress hormones epinephrine (adrenalin) and cortisol, to provide the energy to avert the danger.
But as soon as the danger passes, the body also evolved to rest and recuperate,and this is exactly what our ancestors did. In our modern world, however, we activatethe Stress Response for very different reasons than physical survival,and allow too little time for rest and recuperation.
These days, the Stress Response is triggered mostly by psychological factors, thoughts,feelings or memories. In other words our body responds exactly the same when our loan doesn't go through, our boss gives us a poor performance review, or our teenager doesn't come home on time. Activating the Stress Response for these kinds of factors is not what the system evolved for, and thus becomes a chronic response to stress.
When the Stress Response is chronic, the body is forced to ignore the repair and growth functions it would normally be performing. Scientific research has shown that the build up of hormones in our body resulting from chronic stress, contribute to the development of life threatening illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer and hypertension, to name just a few.
Since the havoc from chronic stress is inflicted over a long period of time, it can be hard to understand the risk. In my stress consulting practice, clients are regularly surprised by the results of a stress assessment, saying things like "I had no idea! I didn't think it was that bad." This is due in part to the fact that chronic stress has become such a way of life we're not aware of what's going on in our bodies. In addition, tolerance for stress differs from one person to another,with personality and temperament either alleviating or exacerbating the stressors.
There is an upside to this however, which is that we can manage the impact of chronic stress. This begins with paying attention to personal distress signals. They are highly individualized and can include muscle pain in the upper back, tension or migraine headaches, acid reflux, emotional outbursts, inability to think clearly etc. Take a minute to think about yours. Recognizing your unique signals and then immediately going into self-care mode is essential because by the time we get these
physical or emotional signals, we're already in stress overload.
And for longer term prevention, there are several well researched factors that are known to increase resiliencey to chronic stress. Some of them may seem like common sense, however, common sense is not so common.
1. Regular exercise to enhance muscle functioning, circulation and digestion and to calm the mind, e.g. 30 minutes of exercise daily which can be achieved in three 10 minute regimes or all at once – the effect is the same.
2. Eating nutritiously is essential for good health. It is also a critical factor in mitigating the effects of chronic stress.
3. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques reduce worry and restore physical and mental stamina which in turn diminish chronic stress.
4. A support network of family and friends is a proven protection for managing distress and maintaining resilience. Practice asking for and accepting help from others.
5. An optimistic attitude helps to meet life's challenges with confidence and is critical to well-being. It takes three times as much energy to think negative versus
positive thoughts.
6. Hobbies can be distracting and help remind us about what's really important in life. Remembering the things we loved to do as a child can be a place to start.
7. Ability to deal with emotions helps us recover from stressful events. Knowing how to calm and soothe oneself when anger, sadness, confusion or fear are present is important.
8. Knowledge and preparation are key stress management factors. The more we know about the situation, including how long it might last and what to expect, the easier it is to cope.
I hope this information will help you meet the challenge of managing chronic stress and support your good health.
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | Mar 29, 2012 | Uncategorized
A career reputation is created over time as a result of attitude and behavior. Be intentional about yours!
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Reputation: It's Your Career Brand
Reputation is our identity in the opinion of others. In the business world, reputation is considered by many to be our most important asset, so shaping and developing how we wish to be perceived becomes a wise career strategy.
A reputation can be formed based on facts plus people's direct experience of being in relationship with you. It can also be formed as a loosely held opinion based on gossip and innuendo. The latter can be of considerable risk from a career perspective.
Knowing and controlling how you are perceived by others contributes to your ability to be strategic about your career success.
The concept of character is different from reputation, but the former can be an important influence, and provide an essential foundation for the latter. Individuals who live from strong core vaues also tend to build positive reputations. An honourable reputation can be developed through intentional and consistent, exemplary behavior,for example:
* Being respectful
* Being trustworthy
* Being genuine
* Being honest
* Being kind
Building a distinguished reputation may take the better part of your career-life, and yet it can be undermined, sometimes even destroyed, in a matter of minutes as a result of a bad decision or a thoughtless action.
What is your reputation? If you want an answer to that question, try polling a group of people who know you well, i.e. a group of selected friends, family, colleagues,subordinates, supervisors and clients or customers.
Ask each person to state the first two or three descriptors that come to mind when they think of you. Then examine all of the responses to find similar language or themes. These poll results should give you a good sense of how you are perceived by the people in your personal and professional life. If you hear anything that gives you cause for concern, ask that person's advice on actions you could take
to improve. This task takes courage and the willingness to receive feedback.
For further information on personal branding and career strategies, access this website Self-Marketing http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1109639205992&s=471&e=001z3ceenwhb2Qszp2dbi…
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | Feb 15, 2012 | Uncategorized
"Validation of your truth is the essence of respect." Jenna Ryan
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The Importance of Validation
Validation is an important part of being in relationship with Self and others. When we validate someone we are acknowledging that person's unique identity. Our external validation can also affirm positive feelings the person holds about him/herself. Understanding validation, and knowing how to give and receive it, is an essential career competency.
Human beings are social animals. The importance of belonging to a group has been critical for our survival as a species. Having someone else know and understand me contributes to my sense of belonging within the group, allowing me to "fit in." It also contributes to my identity and value as a person.
We need feedback from others in order to learn how to become an accepted member of our social group. The validation process begins within the family system, where ideally parents both protect and sustain the child's physical and emotional well-being.
Through adolescence, young adulthood, and the rest of life's stages, we continue to learn to self-validate, which is to recognize and acknowledge our internal experiences. And we continue to benefit from external validation and feedback.
In addition to the family system, our work environment provides an excellent opportunity for feedback and validation. While I may know when I'm doing a good job and experience a high degree of satisfaction from doing so, hearing the importance it holds for others, can be extremely meaningful.
Ideas for self-validation:
* Be able to talk with ease and comfort about your talents, knowledge, skills and experience
* Create your own recognition file
* Ask three friends to name your strengths
* Keep a Learner's Journal
* Don't wait for a performance review-do your own informal 360
* Update your resume yearly
Ideas for validating others:
* Voice your appreciation for someone whenever you feel it; the perfect time is the present
* Know what's important to someone and comment or ask about it
* Offer your help before being asked
* Notice another's unique approach to a task or a project
* Comment on another's creativity and/or innovation
* Never be threatened by someone else's competency-celebrate it!
I would love to hear about your validation experiences.
Take good care,
Kathleen
