Intent is capable of profoundly affecting all aspects of our lives.
A common description for intention is a mental state in which an individual commits themselves to a course of action. A familiar understanding is a goal driven by the resolve to achieve a particular result. A personal example is creating a plan to declutter my kitchen pantry before the end of August.
Having just declared that I must confess to realizing for some time now that I am at a life stage where intention no longer can be about pushing myself to accomplish something that needs doing.
In Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, The Power of Intention, he proposes this definition: “Intention is a field of energy that flows invisibly beyond the reach of our normal, everyday habitual patterns….We have the means to attract this energy to us and experience life in an exciting new way.” His insight presents intention, not as something that one does but rather something that one may seek as a way of being.
I am focused on being in this chapter of my life.
A little background. Twenty years ago, I completed a master’s thesis that researched the lived experience of eight high achieving Edmonton women, each representing a different occupational sector. Every one of these amazing women had reached a significant pinnacle of success in her career journey.
A phenomenon that emerged from the research was the immense dedication these eight women had given to their professional work and to their community. However, it was also evident that their inner drive and professional success had taken a toll on their personal health and well-being. The stories of these amazing women led me to launch a private practice in career counselling and coaching aimed at serving high achieving women professionals.
Almost to the person, the high achieving women I have met over the past twenty years tend to drive themselves at a frantic pace to fulfill their obligations. The result from this non-stop, almost dogged doing can be chronic stress and burnout. I do not believe this is their intent however, it is too often an outcome.
World famous author, activist, and scholar Maya Angelo challenges us to remember that “people will judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.” This begs a question for me about motivation. Do these high achievers feel driven to perform from an unconscious fear of being judged by others?
An interesting fact about our brain is the small role played by our conscious mind (10%) compared to our subconscious mind (50%). The latter contains our beliefs, habits, addictions, imagination, intuition, and protective reactions. [The other 40% is buried in our unconscious].
The reality is that until we STOP, BREATHE, and REFLECT, to become consciously AWARE, we may be operating more from our unconscious than our conscious mind. Surely this leads to an undermining of our best intentions!
At this life stage, it is my intent to be in service to others through connecting to the Source of all that is and its Divine Energy. This intention will come to fruition only to the extent I devote myself to less doing and more being.
The idea of making more time for contemplation feels good to me right now.
Resilience is defined as the process of adapting well in the face of trauma or tragedy, threats, or other significant sources of stress (Southwick et al., 2014).
Mental health issues, including chronic stress, burnout, depression, and anxiety, have risen alarmingly since the onset of Covid-19.
Thankfully, techniques can be learned that will manage, and reverse chronic stress and burnout, as well as mitigate depression and anxiety.
This article presents several characteristics and attitudes that resilient people display. Life’s challenges may be faced a little easier by applying the following ways to build your resilience.
1. Practice Perseverance
Resilient people don’t feel helpless or hopeless when they face challenges. They are more likely to persevere toward their goals even when faced with obstacles.
Perseverance is the persistence of doing something, despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Perseverance can also be thought of as dedication, endurance, diligence which are learned characteristics.
2. Increase Personal Agency
Having personal agency is believing that you are in control of your life circumstances. You take full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
You monitor what to allow in from the environment around you, are aware of the emotions of others as well as your own, have healthy boundaries, listen to and honour your deep inner knowledge and deliberate carefully before acting.
3. Maintain Habits for Good Physical Health
Keeping our body in prime condition provides the energy reserves to handle the stressors we face. Daily exercise, proper hydration, rest breaks, a nutritious diet, and 8 or more hours of sleep every night are necessary to maintain a healthy body. A healthy body supports a healthy mind, and both are conducive to personal resilience.
4. Optimistic Attitude
Optimism is a mental attitude of positivity and hope. Optimists carry an inner belief that good will prevail. They effortlessly see the positive and expect things to turn out well. Optimism is linked to several benefits including resiliency and persistence in the pursuit of goals.
5. Meaningful Work
There is a difference between a “job” and “work.” A job satisfies our financial and physical needs. Work that satisfies our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs provides deep meaning to our lives. (Tanis Helliwell. Take Your Soul to Work. 1999). Engaging in work that is meaningful to our heart and soul brings joy, creativity, and learning, along with a positive increase in resilience.
Take a few minutes now to check out your personal resiliency score using the scale below:
Brief Resilience Scale (BRS)
Smith, B.W., Dalen, J., Wiggins, K., Tooley, E. Christopher, P., and Bernard, J. (2008). The brief resilience scale: assessing the ability to bounce back. International journal of behavioral medicine, 15(3), 194-200.
Please respond to each item by marking one box per row
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
Neutral
Agree
Strongly Agree
BRS 1
I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 2
I have a hard time making it through stressful events.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 3
It does not take me long to recover from a stressful event.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 4
It is hard for me to snap back when something bad happens.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 5
I usually come through difficult times with little trouble.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 6
I tend to take a long time to get over set-back in my life.
1
2
3
4
5
Scoring: Add the responses varying from 1 – 5 for all six items giving a range from 6 – 30. Divide the total sum by the total number of questions answered.
Total score: _________ item average / 6
My score: _________ (average)
BRS Score
Interpretation
1.00 – 2.99
Low resilience
3.00 – 4.30
Normal resilience
4.31 – 5.00
High resilience
Strengthening your resilience can help you cope better as you continue to face life’s challenges.
Anxiety, incivility, and intolerance seem to be rampant these days. In addition to being a threat to our physical health, Covid 19 is undermining our mental health as it creates the perfect storm for impairing positive human relationships. The following article explores this idea from a psychological perspective.
The ego is the I, the self of any person. It is the part that is in contact with the external world, e.g. living with Covid 19. Defense mechanisms are the ego’s unconscious psychological responses designed to protect the individual from what feels threatening and things they don’t want to think about.
These unconscious psychological responses were originally theorized by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud as a means for the ego to protect itself. A lengthy list of defense mechanisms is well documented in psychological literature. These defense mechanisms can be both adaptive and maladaptive, although they are most often the latter.
We cannot change what we do not consciously know or understand. Therefore, if we are using defense mechanisms in a maladaptive way, it can be helpful to gain more understanding about it, reflect on our behaviour and make positive changes to positively reinforce important relationships.
It is self-awareness, self-regulation and self-compassion that allows each of us to be the best version of ourselves. This is who most of us truly want to be. We want to live authentically, and we want to feel fully satisfied in the critical relationships in our lives.
I’ve included two reflective questions at the end of this article in case you feel moved to examine your behaviour and perhaps muse a bit about that of others close to you. The best way to do that would be through a compassionate lens.
Here are a few examples of defense mechanisms you may have engaged in yourself and/or witnessed in close relationships. A note of caution: It’s probably best not to confront the “others” in your life about defense mechanisms you may have witnessed them using, outside of a counselling room (smile).
Denial
Denial is probably one of the best-known ego defense mechanisms. It involves an individual’s refusal to admit or recognize that they have a problem. People living with drug or alcohol addiction typically use this defense mechanism.
Another example of denial is individuals refusing to acknowledge or admit to Trauma they have experienced. When a person has not healed from pain or suffering, that unresolved burden is carried forward into their life and their relationships.
In an adaptive way, denial can function to avoid dealing with stress or painful emotions. In the short term, denial may have a useful purpose by allowing for time to adjust, accept or adapt to the change. Over the long term, however, denial tends to lead to relationship difficulties.
Displacement
Displacement involves taking out one’s frustrations, feelings, and impulses on other people or objects that are less threatening. Displaced aggression is a common example of this defense mechanism.
In a work setting, rather than risking the negative consequences of discussing an unwelcome increased workload assigned by your manager, frustration may be displaced onto a colleague or a direct report. Another common example is the person who has had a difficult day at work and then goes home and takes it out on their spouse, children, or pets, who pose no threat.
Most of us have witnessed displacement in action. From life experience, I also believe displacement is common when a person is suffering from intense discomfort or pain. Their ego may be telling them they have to be tough or grin and bear it; but they simply cannot, so displacement onto their caregiver becomes the maladaptive response.
Projection
Projection involves taking one’s feelings or unacceptable qualities and ascribing them to other people. Examples include:
Having a strong dislike for someone but instead you hold the belief they do not like you.
A father regularly criticizes his daughter for interrupting him while he's talking, when in fact, father regularly interrupts his daughter.
A person who feels insecure about their professional competences who regularly mocks others about their lack of ability.
Projection works to reduce anxiety in the person by allowing the expression of the impulse in a way that the ego cannot recognize.
Repression
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unpleasant emotions, impulses, memories, and thoughts from the conscious mind, making these things no longer accessible to the person’s consciousness. The purpose of this defense mechanism is to try to minimize feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety.
Compensation
Compensation refers to an individual’s attempt to make up for what they consider to be their flaws or shortcomings or for dissatisfaction in one area of their lives. These flaws or shortcomings may be real or imaginary; psychological or physical.
An example is a young boy at school being teased by others about his slim build. In response, he undertakes an intense exercise program, drinks protein shakes, and is very diligent in his strength training. He puts on a great deal of muscle mass, and his body changes, thus obtaining the desired result. The boy is compensating for what he considers to be a physical flaw through strength training.
Intellectualization
This defense mechanism involves excessive overthinking or overanalyzing, which serves to distance the person from her emotions. Rather than exploring the situation fully, and how it may be impacting herself emotionally, she will focus only on the intellectual component.
An example is someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and immerses themselves in learning everything about the disease to avoid feeling the actual distress and perhaps fear of the actual situation.
Reflection Questions:
Consider which defense mechanism(s) you use the most often, why you may be doing that and what you might choose to do differently?
Reflect on the defense mechanisms you have witnessed in others and how it has left you feeling about the relationship.
A sister is always there when you need her the most. Regardless of the calamity a sister will rise to the challenge, setting aside her own needs to make yours the priority.
There seems to be some instinctual link that goes with a sister’s ability to help one comprehend the situation in a better way. That deep understanding, perhaps linked by early life and shared environment, appears to be exactly what is needed to make things feel right again.
When I am with one of my sisters, there is an ease created by a feeling of acceptance and being known. There’s no need to hold anything back. Sisters’ memories seem long, and their perspective tends to keep me honest, even though I may cringe at what’s being said (smile).
Here’s a special quote taken from a little Hallmark book given to me by my younger sister about 20 years ago. The book is The Love Between Sisters by Helen Exley:
“The desire to be and have a sister is a primitive and profound one that may have everything or nothing to do with the family a woman is born to. It is a desire to know and be known by someone who shares blood, history, dreams, common ground and the unknown adventures of the future, darkest secrets and the glassiest beads of truth.”
I am fortunate to have had three sisters. One was 13 years older; another is nine years older, and one is twenty months younger. The story in our family was that our mother accidently got pregnant with me and then intentionally had my younger sister so I would have a playmate. We were farm kids, so her selflessness was appreciated!
There have been several other women in my life with whom I have no blood connection yet have experienced a strong “sisterly-type” connection.
These precious friendships are sisters of another kind who understand and accept us in a special way. It’s as if we thrive in a shared spirit and can talk and talk and talk!
I hope you have these “sisters” in your life. If not, reach out, reconnect, reengage and enjoy!
This is my birthday month which typically motivates me to reflect on life and lessons learned. I believe everyday life is the very best school, especially when we heed our learning and implement change as needed to increase satisfaction and joy.
I'll begin with some context for those who don't know me well. I am a woman whose childhood and adolescence resembled sitcoms like Leave It to Beaver and Father Knows Best. My parents already had grandchildren when I was born and the family system was patriarchal. Like many families of that time, ours believed that you follow the rules and contribute as best you can to the common good.
Here are a few life lessons I have learned:
I understand and accept that mental and moral qualities emerge from children's lived experience. My upbringing was by old school rules, so when I became a parent, I wanted to do some things differently. I admired the poem Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte and used it as a guide. But I also parented in the Dr. Spock era, and in hindsight wish I had not followed one of his suggestions, which was to let the baby settle himself by crying. Yuck! Fortunately my first son was an excellent sleeper.
Perfectionism is a nasty habit. Trying to have everything perfect totally undermines enjoyment and fun. Thank goodness it only took me about 40 years to figure that out!. I used to rake the shag carpet in our living room every day. I can now let furniture be dusty and the floor need sweeping with no shame at all. In the paid work world my perfectionist approach undoubtedly annoyed both colleagues and direct reports. Once when I polled several people at work about what I should continue doing, start doing and stop doing, one manager asked me to stop red penning her letters! We had a good laugh! I stopped!
Confront unacceptable behaviour immediately. This was not hard for me to do as a mother because the parenting guide books were all over it and my perfectionist nature meant I was driven to get it right as a Mom. Adhering to that as a best practice in supervisory roles in the workplace, however, was much more difficult. Many clients talk about how hard it is to confront at all, never mind trying to do it "in the moment." Caring enough to confront and give feedback that can be heard and heeded, is a carefully crafted, learned skill. It takes more than reading a book about how it should be done. Becoming competent and confident with confrontation takes extensive practice-based training. I highly recommend conflict resolution training for learning those skills.
Approaching life as an optimist is a good thing. Negative energy can quickly ruin the day. I have a difficult time being with people who approach life with a rain cloud hanging over their head. A positive attitude has contributed to high levels of energy and satisfying relationships in my life. Lucky for me, my spouse is also positive by nature with a great sense of humour. I'm sure that was the reason I married him.
Take Your Soul to Work. This is the name of a superb book written by Tanis Helliwell. Published in 1999, it's as relevant today as it was then. Discovering this book put me on a healing path that would satisfy both my personality and my soul's needs. In Tanis Helliwell's words both those needs must "work together in partnership because the soul knows the purpose for our life, and the personality is the vessel we have have been given to fulfill that purpose."
I think it was Dr. Joan Borysenko, author of Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive who said "you can't burn out if you were never lit up in the first place!" That was certainly the case for me.
I graduated from university when my oldest son was finishing high school. As someone late to the game, aching to prove her worth, and driven by strong perfectionist tendencies, I soon became a full blown workaholic. I never said no to an opportunity to learn and to prove myself capable. I worked ridiculous hours. Was I lit up? You bet! My hair was on fire!
Finally after many years at that pace, I found myself standing at Burnout's door. A friend I hadn't seen in a year came to visit. When she could not recognize the person she knew in the frazzled woman facing her, she confronted me with the truth. I was a mess!
I soon resigned from my job and enrolled in a three year master's degree that transformed my life. Now I cherish every day that I can help others learn how to take their "soul to work."
The incredible state of uncertainty foisted on us by the Covid Pandemic is taking an enormous toll on our mental health. In a 2020 worldwide survey, Gallup Research found that roughly seven in 10 people are struggling or suffering in their lives.
To begin, I invite you to take a few minutes to check your current Stress Index using this Canadian Mental Health tool https://cmha.ca/whats-your-stress-indexThe purpose of the tool and this article is not to increase your worry but rather to provide strategies for mitigating ongoing distress.
Every individual needs an optimum level of stress to enhance performance. Both too little and too much stress can be detrimental to a person’s health. Following the Stress Response being triggered in our brain we experience a “fight, flight or freeze” reaction. In the ideal situation our body quickly returns to a fully relaxed state after that arousal.
However, when a state of “chronic stress” goes on for weeks or months, the normal functions of our body’s systems are inhibited, with the buildup of stress hormones Adrenalin and Cortisol contributing to mental and physical health issues.
The good news is that chronic stress overload is both preventable and reversible. And that requires consistent and intentional action on the part of the individual. Consider this quote from the Canadian Institute of Stress. “It is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than to think your way into a new way of acting.”
I hope you will find some of the following action ideas helpful.
Practicing Acceptance
Not accepting the reality of what is, can keep you in a perpetual state of conflict with yourself. Life is too short to waste time trying to change what is simply not within your power to control. Determining “what matters most” and then acting about that can bring peace of mind, despite uncertainty. Give yourself permission to make peace with whatever it is you cannot change and apply that focused energy on what you do have the power to control.
Reducing News and Technology
Two realities in our current context are information overload and technology exhaustion. Judiciously choose what you are exposed to by limiting television news, internet surfing and use of email as a communication tool. Nearly 60% of e-mail content is misunderstood. If it is critical, try a phone conversation instead. And if you are spending several hours a day on Zoom or other platforms, build in time for calm and healthy distractions. Our brain cannot tell the difference between a threat that is real or perceived, so the stress response is being triggered by any or all these conditions every day, all day long.
Connecting With Others
The power of human contact cannot be underestimated. Research has shown that friendships ignite the part of the brain that makes us feel good and has also proven that friendship can extend life expectancy. Quality friendships help us deal with stress, make good choices, and rebound from setbacks. Friendships also reduce mental health problems like anxiety and depression. Despite the current Covid restrictions we must find ways to stay connected with our close friends and others we love. Regular phone calls and other ways to connect need to be built into our daily routines. I recently bought AirPods for easy conversations with friends or family while I'm walking – works great!
Nurturing Your Essence
Essence is the real and ultimate nature of the individual—the yearning of one's heart and soul. Being true to one’s essence brings meaning to our daily lives. The following list may be ways to nurture your essence. Add your own ideas to the list and then reflect on each item.
Knowing what it is I am meant to do and be.
Having a sense of belonging, caring and mattering.
Realizing what brings me peace and joy.
Finding my voice.
Connecting to my vulnerability
Being playful. Having FUN!
Controlling Perfectionism/Idealism/Drivenness Through Self-Awareness
I am a self-declared “workaholic on a healing journey” following burnout 20 years ago. The red words in the heading above could all have been used to describe me at that time. There is an interesting belief in the burnout literature – “You can’t burnout if you were never lit up in the first place.” It has taken years for me to learn to wake up and slow down.
What I understand now is that I must be persistent and consistent about implementing measures to guard my physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. Along with meditative walks in nature, one of my favourite tools, is regular therapeutic massage.
The following information comes from my very wise massage therapist Louise Gunn:
“When you are self-aware, you are totally focused on what is happening in that moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow, not regretting or worrying about the future. Your breathing slows, your mind calms and your body relaxes. Practicing self-awareness is important because it helps us cope with negative emotions and feelings such as impatience, anxiety, anger, and fear, which in turn reduces stress. Massage is just one way to practice self-awareness – a slow walk in the woods, a hot bath, sitting quietly in daily meditation or yoga are also ways to connect with yourself.”
Louise Gunn is a Registered Massage Therapist. She works at Joral Hair Design and Massage in Edmonton. Hours and days are flexible. Rates range from $90 to $125 for 60 and 90-minute sessions. You can get in contact via call or text Louise at 780-906-4088.
There is only one of you on this earth; take respectful care of yourself.
