The theme for this year’s International Women’s Day is Empower, Inspire, Elevate. It is a call to action to uplift the women around us and ensure they live where they feel valued, supported and safe. The 2025 theme is “accelerate action.”
Why do these terms risk negative language when used to describe a woman? Terms like “pushy” “bossy” “demanding” “overbearing” “arrogant” “opinionated” “rigid” “aggressive?” are often used. Several of the women I serve in my business have experienced this frustrating phenomenon, mostly in their professional lives, but sometimes personally as well.
These women are typically high performers: exceptionally competent, clever by nature, strong willed and deeply committed to accomplishing what they set out to do.
Ideally, they’d be revered as an employer’s dream worker, but instead they may face pushback, blocking, unreasonable demands, and criticism from supervisors, colleagues and partners. Eventually they become disheartened and exhausted from jumping through an endless performance hoop.
One of these women became my client. She was a Senior VP in the oil and gas sector and was assigned an extensive re-organizational project that, to complete, required the collaboration of several senior operations people. They were leaders, but in a lesser role than she. These individuals, male, consistently undermined the project by not providing data, not meeting deadlines, refusing to implement the system changes required. They basically stonewalled the progress of her team.
Finally, after months of trying to resolve it on her own, she went to the COO to explain the problem, hoping he would put a stop to the nonsense. His response “Well, you know (her name), we really just don’t know what to do with women like you.” He suggested that she try asking the (male) leaders more questions about their families, showing them her “softer” side. He thought maybe if they felt more comfortable talking with her about their personal problems, they’d also talk about their work problems. Essentially, he dismissed the issue as “her” problem.
The Oxford dictionary defines strong-willed as “determined to do as one wants even if other people advise against it.” Sentence example: She was a fiercely independent and strong-willed woman. Further information provided by Oxford indicates that the term was applied chiefly in the 19th century with “disparaging implications to women demonstrating the qualities and character regarded as distinctively masculine, or who take an attitude of revolt against the restriction and disabilities imposed on their sex by law and custom.” (Oxford dictionaries.com)
Does this 19th century explanation still fit to explain the experience of the female VP in an oil and gas company in the 21st century?
The language we choose to express ourselves comes in part from our belief system which is created from our culture and experiences. The term strong-willed may conjure up a certain negativity because we’ve learned to think of it, at least for women, as a character flaw. Is that the case, or is this merely a bias against what’s not considered to be suitably feminine?
Despite the strides forward made by women in every occupational sector, the traditional views of what’s appropriately “feminine” seem so covertly ingrained that 50 years after the “Mad Men” era we can still bump up against them in the office of an oil and gas company.
Thankfully, many younger men today do not have a gender bias and don’t even recognize it as an obstacle for women their age. But the reality is that it continues to exist and due to its’ covert nature is difficult both to name and confront.
Before writing this article, I polled a significant number of people in my email list: clients, colleagues, friends and family (96% were women). I asked them to provide their response to this statement: “She’s a competent, strong-willed woman.” I invited them to respond with the immediate descriptive words that popped into their mind – both positive and negative. The results, not surprisingly, were that 2/3 of the respondents included negative descriptors for the term “strong-willed woman.”
The descriptors listed in the first paragraph of this article were used repeatedly. And one woman said, “Strong-willed is a trigger word…I didn’t spend a lot of time on being competent, but all sorts of things came up for me about strong-willed.” Another’s negative list was bitch, self-centered, control freak, ruthless, full of herself.
On the other hand, nearly everyone commented that “competent” felt positive to them. It made them think of someone who is a good leader, a fast learner, motivated, confident, knowledgeable, follows her values, committed, capable and intelligent. The results of a poll I did with my clientele seems to bear out that thinking. I close with a few quotes from the respondents:
Hi KJ. Here are my thoughts off the cuff: “Competent” – she gets things done with minimal fuss. She is confident in her abilities and knows her worth without needing to puff up her image. From that place of confidence, she goes about her business with grace and ease. It is acceptable for women to be competent.
Much to my consternation, I have difficulty with “strong-willed.” My immediate associations are: being pushy and demanding, not sensitive, not listening, needing to shut out external feedback in order to barrel through with a plan. And yes, there’s a sense that she compromises her femininity by being strong-willed. I wish it were not so. Although I have examples of strong-willed women who do not exhibit these negative qualities, I think my earliest and most enduring examples are of women who had to generate so much energy to exert their will that it comes off as hard.
“Interesting. My first reaction was negative. But when I substituted “person” for “woman” I had a more satisfactory reaction. The use of woman denotes that the fact she was competent and strong-willed was somehow unusual or weird, when in fact it should be quite normal.”
The comment directly above is from a male in his late sixties. Notice his use of the phrase “it should be quite normal.”
This gives me hope that the career conundrums continuing to be experienced by today’s women will eventually be resolved, maybe not in my lifetime, but surely in that of my granddaughters.
A New Year’s resolution is typically a commitment to oneself for the year ahead – perhaps to accomplish a project, change a habit, or make a lifestyle transformation. Some people love to make resolutions; others rarely or never do. It’s also fair to say that a lot of people who make resolutions do not follow through.
It’s not easy to maintain commitments to oneself simply because we make them in January. The same forces that contribute to the difficulty of implementing life changes are at play in January just as they are the rest of year.
The tradition of the New Year’s Resolutions goes back to 153 B.C. The Romans named the first month of the year after Janus, the god of beginnings and the guardian of doors and entrances. Janus was always shown with two faces, one on the front of his head and one on the back. At midnight on December 31, the Romans imagined Janus looking back at the old year and forward to the new. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions.
Much of our behaviour as humans is habitual. Implementing personal change often begins with confronting an ingrained habit and making a commitment. To counter habits that have literally been burned into our brain’s neural pathways we must commit to learning new behaviour. This takes intention, perseverance, time and support.
Like many people in my age category, I started smoking when I left home at age 18. It was not the unhealthy, disgusting habit it’s seen as today, but I was sure relieved to get rid of it. My husband is not and was never a smoker, so the pressure was high. I tried quitting several times and finally succeeded when I was 36.
During a discussion on personal motivation for change, one client said recently. “I need to lose some weight. I know that. So, when I’m feeling stressed from work, what is it that compels me to go home and bake and eat a batch of cinnamon buns? I’m an intelligent woman! Why would I do that?
There’s no simple answer to that question. However, rest assured that a critical element for success is support. It is much easier to implement change when we have encouragement from others.
Whatever changes you plan for 2025 be sure to begin with a serious commitment plan and garnering the support you need.
My very best wishes to you for an exceptional year ahead.
It is January! A great time for reflection, setting intentions and planning choices for living well. I have decided that the question posed as the title for this article will guide my daily living in 2024.
I absolutely love to read. One of my habits is to make notes when I discover things I want to remember or be able to review. A drawback to that habit is that I don’t always reference the source and so often I cannot say where I read it. Oh, the frailty of being a human.
The content of this article consists of information I have found to be helpful and and so have written it in my journals. Some are sourced, most are not.
Here are a few of my notes and quotes about living well:
·Begin with the attitude that your choices matter. Thus, we can either grow or become diminished by what we do or do not do.
·It is not just what happens to me that shapes who I am, but what happens inside me that makes the difference – what I feel and how I react inwardly and outwardly determines who I become, far more so than the degree of adversity I encounter.
·An intention is a seed that creates behaviour. Be mindful of your Intentions for they are mostly unconscious. Only a fully awake heart understands our intentions.
·“While achieving goals can bring temporary satisfaction, it can never replace the need to know the meaning found in experiencing what we are.” (The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer).
· Ego: who we are. Essence: what we are. Life without essence awareness lacks meaning and connection. Life without ego awareness lacks fire and direction. (The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer).
· How much of the story you have created about yourself do you mistake for who and what you really are? This question came from a course I took this past spring. The lecturer asked all attendees to take time each day over the week between his classes to do this exercise:
Take a blank sheet of paper and write at the top: Who Am I, REALLY? And then free flow your responses. It was worth the time.
·“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu
Warm wishes and blessings as you make the best possible choices for yourself in 2024.
Being authentic requires self-awareness, self-acceptance, and intentional behaviour.
Authentic people have the courage to consistently present their Higher Self in all relationships. People who are authentic are clear about the philosophy and principles that guide their lives. They treat themselves and others with respect. They demonstrate their character and what they believe in by what they say, what they do and what they “say they do.” Our current culture is strongly influenced by social media’s definition of what matters most rather than by the virtues that define a person’s good character.
In today’s world, success tends to be measured externally e.g. by salary, status, achievements, position, power, or number of social media followers, rather than by whether or not someone is of good character. A common question asked of children “What are you going to be when you grow up?” might suggest there’s a natural fit between the true self and the kind of work that is chosen when one grows up.
However, that assumption fails to consider how quickly the obsessive nature of “doing” in our paid work roles can undermine and distract us from the yearnings of our real being, The outcome of a strong focus on doing rather than being keeps us tied to the drives of our ego.
On the other hand, living authentically true to oneself can provide the depth we need to go beyond what we do for a living, the titles we have, the possessions we own, or how much money we earn. I believe that living from the strength of authenticity provides one with a distinct career advantage because it contributes to trust building in all relationships.
In his book The Speed of Trust Stephen M.R. Covey encourages his readers to be sure to build a high trust account in their lives, for there is nothing more important in every relationship. Our authentic self is who we are at our deepest core. It is our connection to Source, and it is the true path to career wellbeing, contentment, and joy.
Questions for Reflection:
1. Describe your fundamental nature, e.g. what is at the core of your character?
2. Who are the authentic people in your life and what do you admire most about them?
3. What are some things you have changed or would like to change in your life, for you to live more authentically?
International Women’s Day typically provides us with an opportunity to reflect on the challenges faced by women.
Whether the role is mothering, caregiving, paid professional work or a combination thereof, prioritizing the competing demands women contend with can feel relentless. One woman described it as “hurtling through life as if it were an out-of-body experience.”
This article will not cite all the ways in which women’s lived experience has not changed much over history, never mind in the past 50 years. There were very distinct role norms for female and male staff in the 1960’s when I worked as a secretary. My sons just laugh at my stories and say “Ah, come on Mom, things weren’t that bad!” While that may be true in part, real progress since has been painfully slow.
In my current role as a career counselling therapist and executive coach here are some realities from my client’s experience this past couple of years:
A double standard still exists regarding behaviour. For example, when bullying is disguised as humour and women are expected to put up with it or told they “just need to learn to take a joke.”
Although fully competent, a woman is not promoted over and over, and in some cases a less than competent male becomes her supervisor with the expectation that she will “train” him.
Women continuing to be accused of being too emotional or strident when providing feedback as a manager/leader vs men whose feedback to direct reports is seen as “strong,” “sensible,” or “calm.”
The continuing existence of the Queen Bee syndrome which is defined as a woman in a position of authority in a male-dominated environment who treats subordinates more critically if they are female.
So, what is to be done you ask? First, women must consistently build and maintain a strong professional support network of both men and women. It is critical that women have sponsors and mentors.
And women must speak up about what we will and will not tolerate and do that judiciously. We must stop putting up with the bullets listed above, and with other unacceptable realities that I have failed to list here in the interest of space.
And when that becomes impossible and your heart aches from the unfairness of it all, then you must take action to move on to a place where you truly belong; where your strengths and competencies are appreciated and recognized.
I close with this little poem that I hope will touch your spirit and move you to action.
Women’s Progress from the Heart
Open your heart and let your special dreams come true, For the time has come for you to know what you are here to do.
Your gifts are there inside you, and the world awaits to see, What the angels always knew you were really meant to be.
It may have been a while that you have wandered and felt lost, But you can recover from the sadness and its cost.
Deep within your heart lie the secrets of your soul, You must let them surface with delight and shine for all to know.
I am not one for declaring new year’s resolutions, however, I find January can be a good time for reflecting and reconnecting with oneself.
During adolescence and early in our adult lives many people struggle with understanding who they are. Then as we move through various life stages, we revisit ourselves to find new ways of being comfortable in our own skin.
Having a strong sense of self helps us navigate life’s challenges. And goodness knows experiencing the ravages of Covid for more than two years now has left many of us standing at an existential doorway saying “who am I now? and “what’s next for me?
This article invites you to consider things about yourself you may wish to adjust in 2023 to increase your self-contentment by asking for example:
How accurate is my current self-perception?
What do I know about how others perceive me?
How aware am I about how my behaviour influences the people important to me?
What are my cognitive biases? My blind spots?
Self-perception is the “idea you hold about the kind of person you are.” Psychological research tells us that our self-perceptions are often quite different from the way others perceive us. In fact, we often rate ourselves more favourably than others do.
Here is an effective way to explore how others perceive you:
This exercise was developed by Dr. Stephen Covey. I like to refer to it as an informal 360. As a manager, I used it to gather information for performance reviews with my direct reports. I polled their direct reports, work colleagues and senior leadership. The results gave me rich data which I then carefully selected for meaningful feedback. I have also suggested it as a tool for clients who are making a career transition. It can build personal confidence and ease the process of being interviewed.
The exercise starts with you identifying 8 to 10 people with whom you have been in a relationship for a lengthy time and who know you really well. They must also be people that you deeply respect and trust. Do not include anyone who does not meet this criterion.
You can do this in a written format including via e-mail or you can call and invite them to participate. Your participants can be colleagues, friends, or relatives (be careful about family) who you believe know you well. Explain that you are commencing 2023 by doing a personal research project, and you are inviting them to briefly answer this question:
In our relationship, what would you like me to:
Continue doing?
Start doing?
Stop doing?
In addition to strengthening your sense of self, you can use your results to clarify your personal and professional brand. The key is to be extremely judicious in selecting your participants, not to sway your results, but rather to receive accurate and honest feedback about how others perceive you.
Review the feedback you receive and identify what’s meaningful for you to heed in the year ahead.
In closing I want to share a suggestion by Dr. Rick Hanson, Psychologist and Neuroplasticity Specialist who encourages each of us to become aware of the “one thing you do in your relationships that’s a game changer.”
Our VALUES define the things we prize the very most in life. They are the ideals that guide us everyday. A value you hold cannot be taken away from you.
A Values System is formed through family and childhood experiences, the folklore of our culture, societal pressures and peer groups, religious education, formal schooling, and people of influence in our life.
A values system can be sorted under two categories: intrinsic or extrinsic:
Extrinsic values, also called instrumental values, serve as a means to an end. Examples include security, expertness, power, education, money, work, family, and health, to name a few. Extrinsic values typically change as we age and move through the stages of life.
Intrinsic values, often referred to as virtues, are prized purely for themselves. They exist within every one of us, natural and inseparable from who we are. They represent the inner character of the person. Intrinsic values or virtues are typically acquired through our early lived experiences and seldom change throughout our adult lives. Unlike instrumental values, intrinsic values are not used as a means to an end. Examples of intrinsic values are respect, trust, love, tact, humility, compassion, generosity, consideration, to name a few.
Values represent the best attributes of the person we want to be. Defining and understanding one’s Values System helps contribute to being true to your authentic self. I believe it’s fair to say that few of us consider our values system on a regular basis, and perhaps we should. Our intrinsic values, or virtues represent our moral standards, our character strengths. When it feels like they are being compromised it can result in dissonance and inner conflict. And depending on the nature of the issue can contribute to significant personal distress.
It’s also important to consider that values and virtues are actionable, so when something doesn’t feel right or incongruous behaviour emerges within the context of a personal or work relationship, there’s a very good chance that an important value or virtue one holds is being threatened.
Clarifying values can solve the incongruence between who the person thinks they are versus how they “walk their talk” in both personal and professional settings. Knowing, owning, and living true to one’s Values System can be a significant contributor to the complex and deep question — Who Am I? In addition, as we move through life’s stages, asking the question Who Am I Now? may help keep us on the path to being true to our essence.
For those of you who love to explore yourselves here are a few links to assessments you may enjoy:
Intent is capable of profoundly affecting all aspects of our lives.
A common description for intention is a mental state in which an individual commits themselves to a course of action. A familiar understanding is a goal driven by the resolve to achieve a particular result. A personal example is creating a plan to declutter my kitchen pantry before the end of August.
Having just declared that I must confess to realizing for some time now that I am at a life stage where intention no longer can be about pushing myself to accomplish something that needs doing.
In Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, The Power of Intention, he proposes this definition: “Intention is a field of energy that flows invisibly beyond the reach of our normal, everyday habitual patterns….We have the means to attract this energy to us and experience life in an exciting new way.” His insight presents intention, not as something that one does but rather something that one may seek as a way of being.
I am focused on being in this chapter of my life.
A little background. Twenty years ago, I completed a master’s thesis that researched the lived experience of eight high achieving Edmonton women, each representing a different occupational sector. Every one of these amazing women had reached a significant pinnacle of success in her career journey.
A phenomenon that emerged from the research was the immense dedication these eight women had given to their professional work and to their community. However, it was also evident that their inner drive and professional success had taken a toll on their personal health and well-being. The stories of these amazing women led me to launch a private practice in career counselling and coaching aimed at serving high achieving women professionals.
Almost to the person, the high achieving women I have met over the past twenty years tend to drive themselves at a frantic pace to fulfill their obligations. The result from this non-stop, almost dogged doing can be chronic stress and burnout. I do not believe this is their intent however, it is too often an outcome.
World famous author, activist, and scholar Maya Angelo challenges us to remember that “people will judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.” This begs a question for me about motivation. Do these high achievers feel driven to perform from an unconscious fear of being judged by others?
An interesting fact about our brain is the small role played by our conscious mind (10%) compared to our subconscious mind (50%). The latter contains our beliefs, habits, addictions, imagination, intuition, and protective reactions. [The other 40% is buried in our unconscious].
The reality is that until we STOP, BREATHE, and REFLECT, to become consciously AWARE, we may be operating more from our unconscious than our conscious mind. Surely this leads to an undermining of our best intentions!
At this life stage, it is my intent to be in service to others through connecting to the Source of all that is and its Divine Energy. This intention will come to fruition only to the extent I devote myself to less doing and more being.
The idea of making more time for contemplation feels good to me right now.
Resilience is defined as the process of adapting well in the face of trauma or tragedy, threats, or other significant sources of stress (Southwick et al., 2014).
Mental health issues, including chronic stress, burnout, depression, and anxiety, have risen alarmingly since the onset of Covid-19.
Thankfully, techniques can be learned that will manage, and reverse chronic stress and burnout, as well as mitigate depression and anxiety.
This article presents several characteristics and attitudes that resilient people display. Life’s challenges may be faced a little easier by applying the following ways to build your resilience.
1. Practice Perseverance
Resilient people don’t feel helpless or hopeless when they face challenges. They are more likely to persevere toward their goals even when faced with obstacles.
Perseverance is the persistence of doing something, despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Perseverance can also be thought of as dedication, endurance, diligence which are learned characteristics.
2. Increase Personal Agency
Having personal agency is believing that you are in control of your life circumstances. You take full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
You monitor what to allow in from the environment around you, are aware of the emotions of others as well as your own, have healthy boundaries, listen to and honour your deep inner knowledge and deliberate carefully before acting.
3. Maintain Habits for Good Physical Health
Keeping our body in prime condition provides the energy reserves to handle the stressors we face. Daily exercise, proper hydration, rest breaks, a nutritious diet, and 8 or more hours of sleep every night are necessary to maintain a healthy body. A healthy body supports a healthy mind, and both are conducive to personal resilience.
4. Optimistic Attitude
Optimism is a mental attitude of positivity and hope. Optimists carry an inner belief that good will prevail. They effortlessly see the positive and expect things to turn out well. Optimism is linked to several benefits including resiliency and persistence in the pursuit of goals.
5. Meaningful Work
There is a difference between a “job” and “work.” A job satisfies our financial and physical needs. Work that satisfies our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs provides deep meaning to our lives. (Tanis Helliwell. Take Your Soul to Work. 1999). Engaging in work that is meaningful to our heart and soul brings joy, creativity, and learning, along with a positive increase in resilience.
Take a few minutes now to check out your personal resiliency score using the scale below:
Brief Resilience Scale (BRS)
Smith, B.W., Dalen, J., Wiggins, K., Tooley, E. Christopher, P., and Bernard, J. (2008). The brief resilience scale: assessing the ability to bounce back. International journal of behavioral medicine, 15(3), 194-200.
Please respond to each item by marking one box per row
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
Neutral
Agree
Strongly Agree
BRS 1
I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 2
I have a hard time making it through stressful events.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 3
It does not take me long to recover from a stressful event.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 4
It is hard for me to snap back when something bad happens.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 5
I usually come through difficult times with little trouble.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 6
I tend to take a long time to get over set-back in my life.
1
2
3
4
5
Scoring: Add the responses varying from 1 – 5 for all six items giving a range from 6 – 30. Divide the total sum by the total number of questions answered.
Total score: _________ item average / 6
My score: _________ (average)
BRS Score
Interpretation
1.00 – 2.99
Low resilience
3.00 – 4.30
Normal resilience
4.31 – 5.00
High resilience
Strengthening your resilience can help you cope better as you continue to face life’s challenges.
Anxiety, incivility, and intolerance seem to be rampant these days. In addition to being a threat to our physical health, Covid 19 is undermining our mental health as it creates the perfect storm for impairing positive human relationships. The following article explores this idea from a psychological perspective.
The ego is the I, the self of any person. It is the part that is in contact with the external world, e.g. living with Covid 19. Defense mechanisms are the ego’s unconscious psychological responses designed to protect the individual from what feels threatening and things they don’t want to think about.
These unconscious psychological responses were originally theorized by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud as a means for the ego to protect itself. A lengthy list of defense mechanisms is well documented in psychological literature. These defense mechanisms can be both adaptive and maladaptive, although they are most often the latter.
We cannot change what we do not consciously know or understand. Therefore, if we are using defense mechanisms in a maladaptive way, it can be helpful to gain more understanding about it, reflect on our behaviour and make positive changes to positively reinforce important relationships.
It is self-awareness, self-regulation and self-compassion that allows each of us to be the best version of ourselves. This is who most of us truly want to be. We want to live authentically, and we want to feel fully satisfied in the critical relationships in our lives.
I’ve included two reflective questions at the end of this article in case you feel moved to examine your behaviour and perhaps muse a bit about that of others close to you. The best way to do that would be through a compassionate lens.
Here are a few examples of defense mechanisms you may have engaged in yourself and/or witnessed in close relationships. A note of caution: It’s probably best not to confront the “others” in your life about defense mechanisms you may have witnessed them using, outside of a counselling room (smile).
Denial
Denial is probably one of the best-known ego defense mechanisms. It involves an individual’s refusal to admit or recognize that they have a problem. People living with drug or alcohol addiction typically use this defense mechanism.
Another example of denial is individuals refusing to acknowledge or admit to Trauma they have experienced. When a person has not healed from pain or suffering, that unresolved burden is carried forward into their life and their relationships.
In an adaptive way, denial can function to avoid dealing with stress or painful emotions. In the short term, denial may have a useful purpose by allowing for time to adjust, accept or adapt to the change. Over the long term, however, denial tends to lead to relationship difficulties.
Displacement
Displacement involves taking out one’s frustrations, feelings, and impulses on other people or objects that are less threatening. Displaced aggression is a common example of this defense mechanism.
In a work setting, rather than risking the negative consequences of discussing an unwelcome increased workload assigned by your manager, frustration may be displaced onto a colleague or a direct report. Another common example is the person who has had a difficult day at work and then goes home and takes it out on their spouse, children, or pets, who pose no threat.
Most of us have witnessed displacement in action. From life experience, I also believe displacement is common when a person is suffering from intense discomfort or pain. Their ego may be telling them they have to be tough or grin and bear it; but they simply cannot, so displacement onto their caregiver becomes the maladaptive response.
Projection
Projection involves taking one’s feelings or unacceptable qualities and ascribing them to other people. Examples include:
Having a strong dislike for someone but instead you hold the belief they do not like you.
A father regularly criticizes his daughter for interrupting him while he's talking, when in fact, father regularly interrupts his daughter.
A person who feels insecure about their professional competences who regularly mocks others about their lack of ability.
Projection works to reduce anxiety in the person by allowing the expression of the impulse in a way that the ego cannot recognize.
Repression
Repression is the unconscious blocking of unpleasant emotions, impulses, memories, and thoughts from the conscious mind, making these things no longer accessible to the person’s consciousness. The purpose of this defense mechanism is to try to minimize feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety.
Compensation
Compensation refers to an individual’s attempt to make up for what they consider to be their flaws or shortcomings or for dissatisfaction in one area of their lives. These flaws or shortcomings may be real or imaginary; psychological or physical.
An example is a young boy at school being teased by others about his slim build. In response, he undertakes an intense exercise program, drinks protein shakes, and is very diligent in his strength training. He puts on a great deal of muscle mass, and his body changes, thus obtaining the desired result. The boy is compensating for what he considers to be a physical flaw through strength training.
Intellectualization
This defense mechanism involves excessive overthinking or overanalyzing, which serves to distance the person from her emotions. Rather than exploring the situation fully, and how it may be impacting herself emotionally, she will focus only on the intellectual component.
An example is someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and immerses themselves in learning everything about the disease to avoid feeling the actual distress and perhaps fear of the actual situation.
Reflection Questions:
Consider which defense mechanism(s) you use the most often, why you may be doing that and what you might choose to do differently?
Reflect on the defense mechanisms you have witnessed in others and how it has left you feeling about the relationship.
A sister is always there when you need her the most. Regardless of the calamity a sister will rise to the challenge, setting aside her own needs to make yours the priority.
There seems to be some instinctual link that goes with a sister’s ability to help one comprehend the situation in a better way. That deep understanding, perhaps linked by early life and shared environment, appears to be exactly what is needed to make things feel right again.
When I am with one of my sisters, there is an ease created by a feeling of acceptance and being known. There’s no need to hold anything back. Sisters’ memories seem long, and their perspective tends to keep me honest, even though I may cringe at what’s being said (smile).
Here’s a special quote taken from a little Hallmark book given to me by my younger sister about 20 years ago. The book is The Love Between Sisters by Helen Exley:
“The desire to be and have a sister is a primitive and profound one that may have everything or nothing to do with the family a woman is born to. It is a desire to know and be known by someone who shares blood, history, dreams, common ground and the unknown adventures of the future, darkest secrets and the glassiest beads of truth.”
I am fortunate to have had three sisters. One was 13 years older; another is nine years older, and one is twenty months younger. The story in our family was that our mother accidently got pregnant with me and then intentionally had my younger sister so I would have a playmate. We were farm kids, so her selflessness was appreciated!
There have been several other women in my life with whom I have no blood connection yet have experienced a strong “sisterly-type” connection.
These precious friendships are sisters of another kind who understand and accept us in a special way. It’s as if we thrive in a shared spirit and can talk and talk and talk!
I hope you have these “sisters” in your life. If not, reach out, reconnect, reengage and enjoy!
This is my birthday month which typically motivates me to reflect on life and lessons learned. I believe everyday life is the very best school, especially when we heed our learning and implement change as needed to increase satisfaction and joy.
I'll begin with some context for those who don't know me well. I am a woman whose childhood and adolescence resembled sitcoms like Leave It to Beaver and Father Knows Best. My parents already had grandchildren when I was born and the family system was patriarchal. Like many families of that time, ours believed that you follow the rules and contribute as best you can to the common good.
Here are a few life lessons I have learned:
I understand and accept that mental and moral qualities emerge from children's lived experience. My upbringing was by old school rules, so when I became a parent, I wanted to do some things differently. I admired the poem Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte and used it as a guide. But I also parented in the Dr. Spock era, and in hindsight wish I had not followed one of his suggestions, which was to let the baby settle himself by crying. Yuck! Fortunately my first son was an excellent sleeper.
Perfectionism is a nasty habit. Trying to have everything perfect totally undermines enjoyment and fun. Thank goodness it only took me about 40 years to figure that out!. I used to rake the shag carpet in our living room every day. I can now let furniture be dusty and the floor need sweeping with no shame at all. In the paid work world my perfectionist approach undoubtedly annoyed both colleagues and direct reports. Once when I polled several people at work about what I should continue doing, start doing and stop doing, one manager asked me to stop red penning her letters! We had a good laugh! I stopped!
Confront unacceptable behaviour immediately. This was not hard for me to do as a mother because the parenting guide books were all over it and my perfectionist nature meant I was driven to get it right as a Mom. Adhering to that as a best practice in supervisory roles in the workplace, however, was much more difficult. Many clients talk about how hard it is to confront at all, never mind trying to do it "in the moment." Caring enough to confront and give feedback that can be heard and heeded, is a carefully crafted, learned skill. It takes more than reading a book about how it should be done. Becoming competent and confident with confrontation takes extensive practice-based training. I highly recommend conflict resolution training for learning those skills.
Approaching life as an optimist is a good thing. Negative energy can quickly ruin the day. I have a difficult time being with people who approach life with a rain cloud hanging over their head. A positive attitude has contributed to high levels of energy and satisfying relationships in my life. Lucky for me, my spouse is also positive by nature with a great sense of humour. I'm sure that was the reason I married him.
Take Your Soul to Work. This is the name of a superb book written by Tanis Helliwell. Published in 1999, it's as relevant today as it was then. Discovering this book put me on a healing path that would satisfy both my personality and my soul's needs. In Tanis Helliwell's words both those needs must "work together in partnership because the soul knows the purpose for our life, and the personality is the vessel we have have been given to fulfill that purpose."
I think it was Dr. Joan Borysenko, author of Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive who said "you can't burn out if you were never lit up in the first place!" That was certainly the case for me.
I graduated from university when my oldest son was finishing high school. As someone late to the game, aching to prove her worth, and driven by strong perfectionist tendencies, I soon became a full blown workaholic. I never said no to an opportunity to learn and to prove myself capable. I worked ridiculous hours. Was I lit up? You bet! My hair was on fire!
Finally after many years at that pace, I found myself standing at Burnout's door. A friend I hadn't seen in a year came to visit. When she could not recognize the person she knew in the frazzled woman facing her, she confronted me with the truth. I was a mess!
I soon resigned from my job and enrolled in a three year master's degree that transformed my life. Now I cherish every day that I can help others learn how to take their "soul to work."
