by admin | Dec 13, 2011 | Uncategorized
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." ~Anais Nin
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Christmas Blessing, Not Stressing
For some people this time of year brings back beautiful memories of celebrations with loved ones, special foods, and happy events. For others, it triggers a deep sense of loneliness or grief even in the midst of festivities and splendor. Regardless of happy memories or sad emotional responses, most women also experience higher levels of stress as we prepare for the holiday season.
The perspective we choose to take toward the people, events and situations showing up in our daily lives, plays a significant role in how we experience them. This time of year we can either work ourselves into an exhausted state by cramming more and more commitments and obligations into a finite piece of time, or we can choose to reflect on our blessings and spend our holiday season in ways that will bring us more joy and ease.
In addition to accepting situations and people as they are, here are some ways to reduce your stress and enjoy the festive season:
1. Apply the K.I.S.S. principle (keep it simple sister). Create a list containing each task you think you need to complete in the next 10-14 days. The list can have two headings: Employment-Related Tasks and Home/Family Tasks. Then carefully examine each item and decide how you can either simplify, delegate, delay or drop it entirely. Be ruthless!
2. De-clutter. It's a fact that clutter adds stress to our daily lives. It seems to cloud our thinking as well as our space. Reduce unnecessary clutter by gathering any items you don't need right now and boxing them up. Make a list of the contents and tape it on each box and then put them in storage. This will give you some breathing
space, make room for displaying holiday decorations and also help you get organized for the new year.
3. Look for ways to laugh and have fun. Consider your festive commitments. If you'd sooner have a root canal than attend a particular function, find a creative way to be unavailable. Life is short. Only do the fun stuff!
4. Make time for yourself. Book a massage, a pedicure or a facial. Go to a movie by yourself and eat your favorite junk food – you can work out later. Go for a walk in an outdoor green space or if it's too cold, take a book and sit on a bench in a beautiful setting like the Muttart Conservatory.
I hope you will find a tidbit or two here to help lower your stress levels over the next few weeks and that your Spirit will be filled with the Christmas message of Joy, Love and Hope.
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | Nov 4, 2011 | Uncategorized
A Zen master suggested that instead of saying, "Don't just sit there do something,"
we should say the opposite, "Don't just do something, sit there." Carl Honore, In Praise of Slow. 2004
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Making a Difference
This article explores the concepts of being and doing in the context of a woman's desire to make a difference.
When I ask women to talk about their career aspirations, the most common response is a genuinely expressed need to make a difference. But when invited to describe what that means, the responses are often elusive.
Since doing commonly involves action, performance or execution, and being represents the nature or essence of a person, it's my premise that these two concepts sometimes conflict in a woman's career journey.
The business and economic sector provides a strong example of doing, since the overall goal of business is the production of goods or services involving action, performance and execution. The pressure to perform and produce economic results has probably never been greater than it is in today's fast-paced global environment, with both men and women working equally hard to achieve the desired results.
The fact is, however, that regardless of effort, women continue to be promoted more slowly and earn less money than men. [A recent article published by the Catalyst organization: The Myth of the Ideal Worker: Does Doing All the Right Things Really get Women Ahead? discusses why women's careers continue to lag behind men's].
Surely this "striving, striving, but never arriving" reality undermines how a woman perceives herself as making a difference through her achievements, in addition to discounting her personal identity.
Identity formation, or the defining of oneself, is a developmental stage in a person's life. There are many factors that help someone develop a sense of identity – things like name, heritage, family, philosophy, beliefs and so on. Culture also provides part of the framework as it includes the customs, practices, attitudes, and social norms of the society in which the person exists. Identity formation begins in adolescence and can continue to shift and be shaped through life experiences on into adulthood. In our culture, personal identity is often highly influenced through one's personal achievements and economic well-being.
One critical factor in the formation of personal identity is the work or career that an individual chooses to undertake. The developmental path toward a secure identity in adult roles can be highly complex for a woman aspiring to make a difference in both the traditional workplace and within her family unit. There are a myriad of responsibilities and relationships within each of these "worlds" in which a woman can be a catalyst for making a difference.
It is within this context that each woman must determine for herself who she is and exactly how she chooses to make a difference. In one woman's words: "I've learned that the clients or employers who expect you to get things done at any cost are not where I now choose to spend my time. That lesson was hard to learn. At this stage of my life, I'm putting a lot more energy into being with family and community than I used to."
Women seem to live in a conundrum; striving harder and harder to reduce the impact of being female. Nevertheless, whenever we compromise ourselves in order to fit in, we move further away from our essence and our real power to make a difference.
Believe in yourself and your ability to make a difference – you do and you will!
Take good care, Kathleen
by admin | Aug 25, 2011 | Uncategorized
"The brain constitutes about 3% of your body weight but it uses 20-25% of your body's energy." Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University
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Understanding the Female Brain
Recent advances in neuroscience have shown that our brains are "plastic," an ability that makes it possible for us to continually learn from our experiences.
In her highly readable book The Female Brain (2006) Louanne Brizendine, M.D., neuropsychiatrist, describes her research that began as a means for empowering her female patients. Her book describes how the influence of female neurochemistry and hormones can be understood to support women in managing their personal, reproductive and occupational lives in the 21st century.
Dr. Brizendine explains that more than 99 percent of male and female genetic coding is exactly the same, but that the less than one percent variation influences every cell in our body.
While the male brain is larger by about 9 percent, contributing to what led scientists in the 19th century to believe that women had less mental capacity than men, we now know that men and women have the exact same number of brain cells. They are just more densely packed in the female brain. She also reminds us that while there are some important differences in the innate abilities of the sexes, there are no overall differences in IQ between males and females.
A few highlights from The Female Brain related to thinking, emotion and behavior in women:
1. The part of the brain that controls rational cognitive functions such as problem solving and decision making is larger in females (Anterior Cingulate Cortex).
2. The principal hub of memory formation in the brain is larger and more active in females (Hippocampus).
3. The testosterone marination for boys in utero shrinks the brain centres for communication, observation and emotion processing, whereas these centres for little girls are left intact.
4. The part of the brain that is responsible for executive functioning
including governing social control or taming emotions, matures faster in teens girls than boys by one to two years (Prefrontal Cortex).
5. The area of the brain that registers fear and triggers a rapid response to threatening stimuli (Amygdala) is smaller in females.
6. There is a biological reason females need social bonding and intimacy. Estrogen at the onset of puberty and for the rest of a woman's fertile life, increases dopamine and oxytocin in the brain. Dopamine is a neurochemical that stimulates the motivation and pleasure circuits in the brain and oxytocin is a neurohormone that triggers and is triggered by, intimacy. Connection and intimacy create a sense of pleasure and well-being.
According to Dr. Brezendine, differences in the structure of the female brain result in several unique aptitudes for women including verbal agility, the potential to connect deeply with others, a tremendous capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of mind, and an instinctive ability to avoid or defuse conflict.
While Dr. Brizendine's depiction of how women's hormonal fluctations can result in unpredictable behavior and emotional volatility may seem like it supports sexual stereotyping, she proposes that not understanding the effects of hormonal cycles often leads to women blaming themselves. The book does not deny the influence of environment and culture, but rather emphasizes the persistent and real effects of biology throughout all stages of a woman's life.
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | Jun 23, 2011 | Uncategorized
Your Career
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
George Bernard Shaw
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Triangulation in Communication
Triangulation in communication occurs when one person avoids communicating directly with another regarding an issue or problem, but instead talks with a third party about it.
Most of us have had this experience. In the workplace, it's often part of office politics, or office gossip. For example someone you manage incessantly comes to you as her supervisor to complain about a colleague. You patiently try to convince her to speak directly to "Sally" about the problem, but she can't or won't do it.
You're left wondering why on earth someone chooses to communcate that way, but even worse, for whatever reason, you may not feel able to put a halt to the triangulating process.
Generally speaking, triangulating communication is an ineffective and psychologically unhealthy communication habit that is learned with a family of origin system. The concept of triangulation comes from Family Systems Theory and is somewhat lengthy to address in this newsletter article. However, Dr. Murray Bowen, one of the pioneers
of Family Sustems Theory provides a thorough understanding of the concept.
There can appear to be payoffs for triangulating. One is a temporary feeling of closeness to the person with whom we are triangulating. For example, when someone is triangulating with her boss, it may be an attempt to create closeness and can even feel like relationship building. Another payoff is that someone venting about a third person can be lowering her anxiety regarding a particular issue. She rationalizes her behavior, telling herself she's just "venting." While some of us might considerventing to be good for the soul, it can move quickly to an unhealthy, even toxic communication pattern that contributes to office gossip.
Effective communicators see triangulation for what it is–a dysfunctional way of trying to communicate that, left unchecked, often develops into relationship problems in the workplace, within families and within communities.
Tips For Handling Triangulation:
1. Role model being a direct communicator. If you have an issue or problem with someone, always go directly to the person; present your concern in a non-accusatory
fashion and ask for their help. Most people are willing to help solve a problem, especially when it is presented in a respectful manner. If the issue feels overwhelming or you lack confidence, arrange for a professional to mediate the situation with you. Each learning experience will help you hone your skills.
2. Stop triangulation in its tracks. If someone initiates a conversation with you about a third party there are several things you can do to stop it. One is to suggest the discussion be delayed until the other person can join the group. Another is to change the topic to something neutral that you know is of interest to the speaker.
A third option is to affirm that you have heard the person and then encourage them to speak to the third party directly. And if you are in a supervisory role, demonstrate your leadership skills by offering to help the person communicate with the third party about their concern.
Advanced communication skills are a prerequisite for career success because they benefit all of our relationships. A direct, honest and respectful communication style will consistently result in empowering, satisying, and confidence building experiences.
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | May 1, 2011 | Uncategorized
You have no control over another person, but you always have control over how you choose to respond to that person.
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Boundaries in Relationships
We must not underestimate the importance of healthy personal boundaries in all of our relationships: in the workplace, with our family and close friends and with community or social groups. Understanding the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries may be the best personal/professional development work we can do to enhance our career.
Personal boundary violations, at their best create confusion and disappointment, and at their worst result in anger, resentment and occasional dissolution of a relationship. This is less likely to happen when people are clear about their boundaries.
In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, walls, hedges etcetera,are all physical boundaries that send the message this is private property. An individual's personal boundary, however, is invisible, nevertheless, it distinguishes that person as separate from another.
When an individual's boundaries are not healthy and strong, the result can be a fusion of herself with another person or persons. This can range from minor interference in daily activities or life decisions, to significant imposition of control in the life of another.
The purpose of personal boundaries is to protect and maintain the intregrity of the person. Healthy boundaries keep what might harm us, outside our fence. But healthy boundaries are not solid walls; they are permeable enough to allow good things in, yet strong enough to keep danger out.
Ideally, people develop healthy mental, physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries which help them define the extent of their responsibility to themselves or to others,over the course of their life. For example, healthy boundary development keeps me
from overfunctioning in my work roles, from taking inappropriate responsibility for the well-being of another and from not protecting my own personal well-being.
The development of healthy boundaries begins within the parent-child relationship.
When children are young and helpless, parents are responsible for their safety, security and well-being. During the various growth stages of the child, psychologically healthy parents adjust their role from protecting and controlling when the child is young, to one that allows the adolescent and developing adult to learn self-responsibility. Healthy boundary development is integral to the growing person to learn to take responsibility for her life.
When a person is experiencing boundary dilemmas, she may be asking questions like "Why do I feel guilty or afraid whenever I consider setting boundaries?" "Can I set limits and still be a loving person?" "What if someone becomes hurt or upsetwhen I maintain my personal boundaries?" "Am I being selfish when I set boundaries?"
It's never too late to do personal boundary work. A good place to begin is being clear about how you want to be in relationship with others. Examine your values, beliefs and priorities, and monitor your behavior to ensure it consistently and congruently reflects how you want to live. If there are changes you need to make,start small. For instance, try saying "no" the next time someone asks you to do
something that you honestly are not interested in doing.
Assertive communication is important for personal boundary development work. Check out your assertiveness level and then if needed, set some boundary development goals for yourself.
Take good care,
Kathleen
by admin | Apr 1, 2011 | Uncategorized
Career Tip
"At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you've left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent."
Golda Meir
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Managing Unhealthy Guilt
Women tend to experience guilty feelings more than men, perhaps in part due to the fact that women are different emotionally. Some believe that women's brains are wired differently, as they tend to be more highly sensitized to emotions. This can lead to stronger reactions, or an over-functioning response to situations that are emotionally charged.
Guilt can be healthy, for example, when we feel bad after behaving inappropriately or dishonestly. This healthy guilt can increase our motivation to problem solve or teach us an important lesson about the consequences of hurtful behavior. Healthy guilt can also improve our personal leadership skills and enhance our behavior in relationships, making it an advantage from a career perspective.
But what about unhealthy guilt? This type of guilt can occur as a result of persistently feeling devalued, flawed or unworthy. The fear of not doing enough, or not measuring up, is at the heart of this kind of unhealthy guilt. These feelings and the associated guilt is still not uncommon for many women today, despite the enromous strides made in women's careers over the past fifty years.
Fear, coupled with anxious thinking, automatically activates the Stress Response in our body. This response evolved to protect us from danger by triggering a surge of powerful hormones to provide us with the energy needed to defend ourselves or to escape. Joan Borysenko, in her book GUILT is the teacher, LOVE is the lesson, uses a metaphor of the stress response being like the overdrive shift in a car.
It's handy occasionally, but if we keep the car in overdrive all the time, the parts wear out, creating serious mechanical difficulties. In people, these difficulties include severe stress and anxiety-related disorders. Thus begins the career journey to burnout, unless we learn how to quiet the destructive inner voice of guilt.
When our career decisions and strategies are motivated by fear from self-doubt and guilt, the result is often self-defeating behaviours like perfectionism, over-achievement,narcissism, co-dependence and other attempts to bolster our fledgling ego. In Joan Borysenko's words unhealthy guilt is an autoimmune disease of the soul that causes us to reject our own worth as human beings….guilt causes life to become rganized around the need to avoid fear rather than the desire to share ove." Borysenko suggests that healing unhealthy guilt begin with a earch for the true or authentic Self. Her advice also includes that this search journey is enhanced through using a holistic
spirit-mind-body approach. (Source: GUILT is the teacher, LOVE is the lesson by Joan Borysenko, PhD).
For daily management of the anxiety and fear arising from unhealthy guilt, mastering mind-body exercises can be very helpful, e.g. diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness meditation, and the practice of yoga. A simple place to begin is to learn abdominal breathing. The following exercise is from Joan Borysenko's book Minding The Body:
Mending The Mind–another great resource.
Diaphragmatic Breathing Exercise:
Sit in a straight-backed chair, sliding forward slightly. If needed, place a pillow behind the small of your back. Place one hand palm down over your navel and the other hand on top of it. Without trying to change your breathing, just notice whether your belly expands or flattens when you inhale. It can help to close your eyes to concentrate. If your belly does not move when you inhale, that means you are breathing from your chest. You can shift into abdominal breathing by taking a deep breath in and then blowing it out completely through your mouth. You will notice your belly flatten and can flatten it even more by squeezing out every bit of air. Now just let the next breath flow in through your nose and let your belly expand.
Implement diaphragmatic breathing throughout your day. Two or three minutes of abdominal breathing will immediately reduce tension, anger or stress. You can use this breathing technique whether you are in an important meeting at the office, or standing in
line with kids in the cart at the supermarket.
Take good care of yourself,
Kathleen
