by admin | Mar 8, 2021 | Uncategorized
Female connections are essential for women’s health and wellbeing. The research about how men and women respond differently to stress reminds us of this fact:
“Although “fight-or-flight” may characterize the primary physiological response to stress for both
males and females…behaviourally, females' responses are more marked by a pattern of
"tend-and-befriend." Tending involves nurturant activities designed to protect the self and
offspring that promote safety and reduce distress; befriending is the creation and maintenance
of social networks that may aid in this process."
Female friends provide comfort and support, prevent loneliness and help us face life's inevitable stressors. This article is about how female friendships have enriched my life and invites you to reflect on that as well.
I come from a large, close knit family of eight children. My parents had four boys and four girls over a 23-year period. My oldest brother and his wife had produced two babies before I was born. My younger sister and I were a couple of little after thoughts. The story told in the family was that I was a mistake, so Mom decided to get pregnant with my sister Helen to provide a playmate. Living on a farm and then in a tiny hamlet with a population of some 40 people and a few dogs, Helen and I were very grateful to have each other as playmates and friends.
We are quite different but really compatible. I am extraverted and was bossy as a kid, according to older siblings. Helen on the other hand is introverted and quiet. But our friendship and connection has remained strong throughout our lives. Our sister Karen, 9+ years older, was our main caregiver when we were kids and remains a beloved friend and mentor. Our oldest sister Shirley (deceased in 2004) was married when I was five. My fondest memories of her, in addition to teaching me the "facts of life," are superb baking skills, especially her glazed doughnuts.
Close female friends, including sisters, positively influence our day to day lives in so many ways. I have been fortunate to develop numerous deep and lasting female friendships over my lifetime. Many of those relationships began as work colleagues, later becoming cherished friends, and fortunately for me, remain in my life today.
Good friends empathetically support our experiences. They act as sounding boards for our ideas and opinions. They offer advice, even when we may not want to hear it but need to just the same. They tolerate our rants and validate our reasoning. In short, their acceptance and love are unconditional.
There are so many ways that women have been a support system for me that it would take more than this short article to describe how much they have enriched my life. I am truly grateful. There is something extraordinarily comforting about having a history with the special women in your life. There’s mutual trust and respect, non-judgment, and a strong sense of acceptance for who you are at your core, warts and all.
A feeling of being truly known by another is hard to describe, however its’ absence is profound and immediate.
As we celebrate International Women’s Day, March 8, 2021, I encourage you to reflect on your most cherished female friendships and the joy they have brought to your life.
Blessings and good health to each of you.
Love, Kathleen
by admin | Nov 1, 2020 | Uncategorized
Demonstrating civility means being thoughtful, courteous, polite and showing regard for others. I believe there has been a slow but significant reduction in civility over the past few years. It is almost as if rudeness is becoming the norm.
An example occurred about a week ago when my friend and I were out walking near my home. A woman came toward us and as she walked by snarled, “move over!” We were wearing masks, and on a path with lots of room. My friend and I agreed that while she could have been feeling “COVID cranky,” her tone was uncalled for, disrespectful, and left both of us feeling upset.
What happens in a culture when decency and respect for one another diminishes and incivility reigns in its place? Many people experiencing incivility respond in a negative way, and in some cases overtly retaliate. The number of hate incidents are on the rise, evident in daily newscasts. It has moved beyond unusual to commonplace. That is a frightening shift in our society.
In a Harvard Business Review article on the impact of incivility at work, a poll of 800 managers and employees in 17 industries, found that of workers who had been on the receiving end of incivility:
- 48% intentionally decreased their work effort.
- 47% intentionally decreased the time spent at work.
- 38% intentionally decreased the quality of their work.
- 80% lost work time worrying about the incident.
- 63% lost work time avoiding the offender.
- 66% said that their performance declined.
- 78% said that their commitment to the organization declined.
- 25% admitted to taking their frustration out on customers.
- 12% said that they left their job because of the uncivil treatment.
Incivility damages and undermines all relationships¾workplace, personal and community. A civil society combined with the stability of the state and the viability of the market, support the functioning of democratic societies.
The responsibility for ensuring this does not happen, comes down to the individual. What can I, indeed what must I do to help make a difference? My walking partner, a dear friend had these suggestions for how each one of us can actively practice the habit of being civil:
- Rise above the behaviour, consciously resist the temptation to respond in kind,
- Be empathetic; stand in the shoes of the other without judgment,
- Respect the need for individuals to feel safe in their world,
- Resist the expectation that I can change the behaviour of others,
- Remove myself from the setting where I feel uncomfortable,
- Role model being a consistent force for good, kindness and civility,
- Return non-love behaviour with grace and love.
The erosion of civility undermines democratic freedom. I do not want my grandchildren to inherit that kind of world .
Love, Kathleen
by admin | Jul 7, 2020 | Uncategorized
I often have clients express one of the goals for our work together to be an improvement in their self-confidence. That goal can be complex however, a good place to begin is an exploration of how connected the person is to their authentic self.
Understanding the ways in which self-confidence is built and maintained and how readily it can be undermined by experiences and relationships is another criterion. What we do and who we choose to be with, typically has a significant impact on our self-confidence.
Two things contribute directly to the development of self-confidence: 1. self-efficacy and 2. self-esteem. We gain self-efficacy by practicing and acquiring skills and competencies. As they are acquired, we receive feedback from others about our ability to perform. This evaluative feedback and our response to it, contributes to the internal belief system we create about ourselves.
Self-esteem is the value we place on who we believe we are. Our self-esteem is influenced by our acquired sense of self-efficacy and is continuously shaped by our lived experiences from early childhood, onward through our life journey.
Consider these few tips for building and maintaining your SELF-CONFIDENCE:
1. Contemplate Your Purpose, Philosophy and Principles. These three concepts provide a strong foundation for building and maintaining confidence. Take some time to reflect on your purpose. Ask yourself “What brings meaning to my life?” “What is most significant to me”? Consider the personal philosophy you hold about life; e.g. what ideals guide your most important choices? And finally, what principles provide you with stable guidelines for your daily behaviour? Write it all down: Purpose, Philosophy and Principles and periodically review it as a reminder of your goodness. You will be pleasantly surprised by the power of setting this kind of intention for living authentically.
2. Seek New Challenges. Learn New Skills. When was the last time you challenged yourself to learn something new? What project could you undertake to push you a bit and build a competency or two? It doesn't have to be big; it just needs to stretch you. For example, being an effective communicator is a proven method for building and maintaining self-confidence. Consider whether you need to practice being assertive, learn public speaking skills or take a course on how to effectively resolve conflict.
3. Stifle Your Inner Critic. A critical inner voice exists to varying degrees in every person, often undermining the ability to interpret events realistically, which in turn undermines self-confidence. While we may have some awareness of our inner critic, many of our negative thoughts exist at an unconscious level. It is important to begin by paying attention to that nasty little voice in your head. What exactly is the gremlin saying to you? Write it down. Then trash that inner voice, countering it with what you know to be true. Do some research with friends and loved ones whose opinion you respect. Ask them how they perceive you. What do they see as your strengths? Arm yourself with those truths to counter the inner critic.
4. Examine Your Brand. Your personal brand is how others perceive being in relationship with you. What is your style? What standards do you adhere to? What is the impact of your energy on those around you? Are you engaging exciting, funny, intelligent? Are you shy with a wonderful dry sense of humour? Someone who never ceases to surprise others with her wit. Never underestimate the power of your brand for building and maintaining confidence. Be intentional about yours.
We undermine our self-confidence when we do not engage in personal growth and development. When we do not set clear intentions for ourselves, and when we allow worrying what others think to influence our choices.
We enhance our self-confidence by being purposeful, holding fast to our philosophy and principles and living each day as authentically as possible.
May your feelings of confidence be abundant,
Kathleen
by admin | Apr 3, 2020 | Uncategorized
Humans have psychological needs which when left unmet can lead to extreme distress. Some of the most important are: a sense of safety and control, being connected to others and a feeling of knowing or certainty.
People react differently to uncertainty. Some have a much higher tolerance than others and those with a low tolerance are typically less resilient. They can more easily and more quickly feel down. This in turn may lead to high levels of anxiety or trigger other mental health issues.
Whenever we feel threatened or face uncertainty the stress response is automatically triggered in our brain. This occurs regardless of whether the threat is real or perceived. Our brain can't tell the difference.
To say we are living in uncertain times is a gross understatement, not to mention the speed at which we've been thrust into these unprecedented circumstances.
This article presents a few ideas for mitigating our current predicament and coping with what lies ahead.
1. Connect with those you care about:
Yes, we must keep a safe physical distance from one another during this pandemic, however, psychologically we need to be connected and we need social interaction. It's critical for our mental health. Thanks to the internet and other devices we can do this in many ways. Reach out to others for your own and their well-being.
I've Face-Timed, Skyped, Zoomed and talked on the phone with family, friends and clients in the past few weeks. Some of those methods ensure that I get out of my pj's and comb my hair which is a good thing.
2. Practice Letting Go:
There is an inverse relationship between stress and control. The less one feels in control, the higher the brain perceives threat and continues to call on the stress response to help one survive. We also know that the mind can trick us. In times like we're facing, it's imperative we learn how to "let go" when the threat is more perceived than real.
Letting go is a significant strength. It is also a learned strategy. One of the best practices you can start doing, or do more regularly, is mindfulness meditation. Learning to be mindful is not magic; anyone can do it. And there are wonderful tools to help.
I recommend the Insight Timer app which can be downloaded on your phone. It has hundreds of choices, for beginners to advanced. You can find music or guided meditations from 6 mins. to two hours, all designed to help you let go of distress.
Recently I listened to a wonderful 30 minute piano meditation. In my calm state afterwards I practiced my crokinole skills and sunk four discs for 20 points each! I have to practice so my 5 year old granddaughter doesn't always win!
3. Consistently Spend Time In Nature:
Research has shown that sitting or walking in natural settings has both physical and mental benefits. Being in or viewing natural scenes increases pleasant feelings and reduces fear and anger. Physically it curtails the production of stress hormones, reducing blood pressure, heart rate and easing muscle tension.
One study showed that when participants viewed nature scenes, the parts of the brain associated with empathy and love lit up. No question we can all benefit from more empathy and love in these trying times.
We can choose to walk in parks and green spaces while maintaining appropriate physical distancing. We can also select nature shows and documentaries with gorgeous relaxing natural scenes versus being overloaded by distressing commentaries and news updates. We're being advised to limit those to a short time period, once per day.
4. Ask For What You Need & Give What You Can:
Our daily lives have been turned upside down, but this is NOT the time to be shy or reticent about asking for help if there's something you need, or for offering help to others.
Despite the relentless barrage of sordid statistics to keep us current on the impact of the pandemic, there are also hundreds of stories of how people are helping and making sacrifices for the common good. Tune into those stories to lift your Spirit and learn how people can come together to make our world a better place.
A sultan requested of King Solomon a sentence that would always be true in good times or bad.
Solomon responds, "This too will pass away."
Love & Light to Each of You, Kathleen
by admin | Dec 6, 2019 | Uncategorized
I was raised in a large farm family in Saskatchewan. My mother loved Christmas and always made it a very special family time. One of my fondest memories as a child is each of us getting dressed in our best outfit, then lining up oldest to youngest and walking down the stairs to the dining room where a beautiful Christmas tree stood with its’ treasures beneath it. It was both a solemn and joyful occasion.
Christmas was also a cause for celebration in the tiny hamlet close to our farm, with the whole community attending the special events. Church services, concerts, special gatherings, and outdoor skating or sledding despite the cold!
While we still enjoy some of those things today, most people now live in an urbanized environment. And whether we like it or not, we’re faced with Santa’s in every mall, noisy hustling and bustling, long line-ups in stores, and the consumer frenzy of buying “things” for the people in our lives.
So, have we lost the true meaning of Christmas – the celebration of Hope, Love, Peace and Joy?
I think not. However, during this season, let's take time to remind ourselves of the many ways in which our lives are blessed rather than stressed! Here are a few tips and practices for relaxing and enjoying this wonderful time of the year:
1. Apply the K.I.S.S. principle:
Keep It Super Simple throughout the holiday season. Apply this rule to everything – gifts, events and entertainment. Stock up your pantry, fridge and freezer with ready to serve snacks and goodies. Give yourself the gift of time to relax with people you care about, have great conversations and lots of fun.
2. Create a food plan:
If you are hosting guests and meals or parties, create detailed menus listing every item you plan to serve. Then use this detailed menu to create your grocery list – reducing the chance of not having an item in the middle of preparing an important meal.
3. Identify and avoid all energy drainers:
There are people, situations and activities that regularly sap our energy. Energy drainers can be hard to identify, especially if you've lived with them for years. They might even feel normal. Take some time to re-consider commitments and plans. And as much as you can, eliminate or avoid what depletes you.
4. Ask for support:
If you are the host/hostess this year, be sure to ask people to contribute. It not only lessens the workload; it helps people feel like an important part of the festivities.
5. Practice mindfulness:
The hectic pace of daily life often deprives us of appreciating what's happening in the moment and counting our blessings. Mindfulness is the art of being in the moment; the non-judgmental awareness created by simply paying attention.
I hope the Spirit of Peace, Love, Joy, and Hope surround you and your loved ones this Christmas.
by admin | Jul 18, 2019 | Uncategorized
This article is about coming to terms with our limits as we face the circumstances of a V.U.C.A. world. V.U.C.A. is an acronym first developed by the U.S. military for describing a situation that is Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous. I suggest those four words make good descriptors for the circumstances of our daily life and work.
Our culture is caught in a syndrome of overload: information, social media, consumer choice, education, expectations, change, and stress to name a few. The enormous increase in the speed of daily life has become pathogenic.
People are at their limit; with their margins feeling slim to none. Margin is the space between vitality and exhaustion. I’ve lost count of how often clients say, “I’m just totally exhausted.”
So, what are we to do? How do we need to be? We can start by setting limits. We need to examine our behaviour, make different choices and change our lifestyle. The adjustments don’t have to be huge. Taking baby steps are recommended so the new behaviour “sticks.”
A few tips for setting limits:
- Start with self-awareness. We can’t change what we don’t know or won’t admit. Many people feel trapped by their circumstances which is typically a feeling, not a fact. Increasing our awareness can begin by admitting to ourselves that we choose the way we live, and therefore we can choose to change.
One of my habits is “doing too much” and when I’m feeling stressed, I speed things up instead of slowing down. Even at this life stage, I am still learning that persistence is more important than speed; that life is a marathon, not a sprint.
- Get smart about technology. How much time in your life is being sucked away by Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, gaming etc.? The quantity of information reaching us daily has far surpassed what the brain can assimilate and process. We need to make technology work for us not against us.
E-mail has become a communication crutch. It’s being used when a phone call or an in-person conversation is a far better choice. And note that nearly 60% of email messages are misunderstood. So, when something is really important, pick up the phone or speak directly to the person. And never use e-mail when the issue is controversial or emotional – there’s far too much room for misunderstanding.
Start being consistent about using the e-mail subject line to correctly identify the message. And when there is a lengthy e-mail exchange, make changes to the subject line, for ease of following and filing.
When the e-mail message is short, type it directly into the subject line, followed by EOM (end of message). I’ve been using this method for several months now and find it interesting that people haven’t picked up on the idea, even though it saves a lot of time.
- Make regular breaks or sabbaticals part of your lifestyle. Plan a week off around long weekends; there are several each year. That week off is only 4 days unplugged from work, but with the weekends before and after, it’s a 10-day break. The pace of life today means we must intentionally build in more down time. This is a good way to do it.
Take a sabbatical. This is not the academic type but rather it’s scheduled alone time completely away from the commotion of daily life. Consider a personal retreat from all roles, where you completely disconnect and unplug from responsibilities and expectations.
- Be clear about expectations – for yourself and for those with whom you are in relationship. Expectations need to be openly discussed and agreed upon, whether it’s at work or at home. The more this is done as a matter of course, the easier it is to control limits. Our satisfaction and serenity are dependent on the expectations we hold for the experience and the relationship.
If you have tips or ideas about setting limits, please share them. I always love to hear from you.
Take good care of yourself,
Kathleen
