I am not one for declaring new year’s resolutions, however, I find January can be a good time for reflecting and reconnecting with oneself.
During adolescence and early in our adult lives many people struggle with understanding who they are. Then as we move through various life stages, we revisit ourselves to find new ways of being comfortable in our own skin.
Having a strong sense of self helps us navigate life’s challenges. And goodness knows experiencing the ravages of Covid for more than two years now has left many of us standing at an existential doorway saying “who am I now? and “what’s next for me?
This article invites you to consider things about yourself you may wish to adjust in 2023 to increase your self-contentment by asking for example:
How accurate is my current self-perception?
What do I know about how others perceive me?
How aware am I about how my behaviour influences the people important to me?
What are my cognitive biases? My blind spots?
Self-perception is the “idea you hold about the kind of person you are.” Psychological research tells us that our self-perceptions are often quite different from the way others perceive us. In fact, we often rate ourselves more favourably than others do.
Here is an effective way to explore how others perceive you:
This exercise was developed by Dr. Stephen Covey. I like to refer to it as an informal 360. As a manager, I used it to gather information for performance reviews with my direct reports. I polled their direct reports, work colleagues and senior leadership. The results gave me rich data which I then carefully selected for meaningful feedback. I have also suggested it as a tool for clients who are making a career transition. It can build personal confidence and ease the process of being interviewed.
The exercise starts with you identifying 8 to 10 people with whom you have been in a relationship for a lengthy time and who know you really well. They must also be people that you deeply respect and trust. Do not include anyone who does not meet this criterion.
You can do this in a written format including via e-mail or you can call and invite them to participate. Your participants can be colleagues, friends, or relatives (be careful about family) who you believe know you well. Explain that you are commencing 2023 by doing a personal research project, and you are inviting them to briefly answer this question:
In our relationship, what would you like me to:
Continue doing?
Start doing?
Stop doing?
In addition to strengthening your sense of self, you can use your results to clarify your personal and professional brand. The key is to be extremely judicious in selecting your participants, not to sway your results, but rather to receive accurate and honest feedback about how others perceive you.
Review the feedback you receive and identify what’s meaningful for you to heed in the year ahead.
In closing I want to share a suggestion by Dr. Rick Hanson, Psychologist and Neuroplasticity Specialist who encourages each of us to become aware of the “one thing you do in your relationships that’s a game changer.”
Our VALUES define the things we prize the very most in life. They are the ideals that guide us everyday. A value you hold cannot be taken away from you.
A Values System is formed through family and childhood experiences, the folklore of our culture, societal pressures and peer groups, religious education, formal schooling, and people of influence in our life.
A values system can be sorted under two categories: intrinsic or extrinsic:
Extrinsic values, also called instrumental values, serve as a means to an end. Examples include security, expertness, power, education, money, work, family, and health, to name a few. Extrinsic values typically change as we age and move through the stages of life.
Intrinsic values, often referred to as virtues, are prized purely for themselves. They exist within every one of us, natural and inseparable from who we are. They represent the inner character of the person. Intrinsic values or virtues are typically acquired through our early lived experiences and seldom change throughout our adult lives. Unlike instrumental values, intrinsic values are not used as a means to an end. Examples of intrinsic values are respect, trust, love, tact, humility, compassion, generosity, consideration, to name a few.
Values represent the best attributes of the person we want to be. Defining and understanding one’s Values System helps contribute to being true to your authentic self. I believe it’s fair to say that few of us consider our values system on a regular basis, and perhaps we should. Our intrinsic values, or virtues represent our moral standards, our character strengths. When it feels like they are being compromised it can result in dissonance and inner conflict. And depending on the nature of the issue can contribute to significant personal distress.
It’s also important to consider that values and virtues are actionable, so when something doesn’t feel right or incongruous behaviour emerges within the context of a personal or work relationship, there’s a very good chance that an important value or virtue one holds is being threatened.
Clarifying values can solve the incongruence between who the person thinks they are versus how they “walk their talk” in both personal and professional settings. Knowing, owning, and living true to one’s Values System can be a significant contributor to the complex and deep question — Who Am I? In addition, as we move through life’s stages, asking the question Who Am I Now? may help keep us on the path to being true to our essence.
For those of you who love to explore yourselves here are a few links to assessments you may enjoy:
Intent is capable of profoundly affecting all aspects of our lives.
A common description for intention is a mental state in which an individual commits themselves to a course of action. A familiar understanding is a goal driven by the resolve to achieve a particular result. A personal example is creating a plan to declutter my kitchen pantry before the end of August.
Having just declared that I must confess to realizing for some time now that I am at a life stage where intention no longer can be about pushing myself to accomplish something that needs doing.
In Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, The Power of Intention, he proposes this definition: “Intention is a field of energy that flows invisibly beyond the reach of our normal, everyday habitual patterns….We have the means to attract this energy to us and experience life in an exciting new way.” His insight presents intention, not as something that one does but rather something that one may seek as a way of being.
I am focused on being in this chapter of my life.
A little background. Twenty years ago, I completed a master’s thesis that researched the lived experience of eight high achieving Edmonton women, each representing a different occupational sector. Every one of these amazing women had reached a significant pinnacle of success in her career journey.
A phenomenon that emerged from the research was the immense dedication these eight women had given to their professional work and to their community. However, it was also evident that their inner drive and professional success had taken a toll on their personal health and well-being. The stories of these amazing women led me to launch a private practice in career counselling and coaching aimed at serving high achieving women professionals.
Almost to the person, the high achieving women I have met over the past twenty years tend to drive themselves at a frantic pace to fulfill their obligations. The result from this non-stop, almost dogged doing can be chronic stress and burnout. I do not believe this is their intent however, it is too often an outcome.
World famous author, activist, and scholar Maya Angelo challenges us to remember that “people will judge you by your actions, not by your intentions.” This begs a question for me about motivation. Do these high achievers feel driven to perform from an unconscious fear of being judged by others?
An interesting fact about our brain is the small role played by our conscious mind (10%) compared to our subconscious mind (50%). The latter contains our beliefs, habits, addictions, imagination, intuition, and protective reactions. [The other 40% is buried in our unconscious].
The reality is that until we STOP, BREATHE, and REFLECT, to become consciously AWARE, we may be operating more from our unconscious than our conscious mind. Surely this leads to an undermining of our best intentions!
At this life stage, it is my intent to be in service to others through connecting to the Source of all that is and its Divine Energy. This intention will come to fruition only to the extent I devote myself to less doing and more being.
The idea of making more time for contemplation feels good to me right now.
Resilience is defined as the process of adapting well in the face of trauma or tragedy, threats, or other significant sources of stress (Southwick et al., 2014).
Mental health issues, including chronic stress, burnout, depression, and anxiety, have risen alarmingly since the onset of Covid-19.
Thankfully, techniques can be learned that will manage, and reverse chronic stress and burnout, as well as mitigate depression and anxiety.
This article presents several characteristics and attitudes that resilient people display. Life’s challenges may be faced a little easier by applying the following ways to build your resilience.
1. Practice Perseverance
Resilient people don’t feel helpless or hopeless when they face challenges. They are more likely to persevere toward their goals even when faced with obstacles.
Perseverance is the persistence of doing something, despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. Perseverance can also be thought of as dedication, endurance, diligence which are learned characteristics.
2. Increase Personal Agency
Having personal agency is believing that you are in control of your life circumstances. You take full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
You monitor what to allow in from the environment around you, are aware of the emotions of others as well as your own, have healthy boundaries, listen to and honour your deep inner knowledge and deliberate carefully before acting.
3. Maintain Habits for Good Physical Health
Keeping our body in prime condition provides the energy reserves to handle the stressors we face. Daily exercise, proper hydration, rest breaks, a nutritious diet, and 8 or more hours of sleep every night are necessary to maintain a healthy body. A healthy body supports a healthy mind, and both are conducive to personal resilience.
4. Optimistic Attitude
Optimism is a mental attitude of positivity and hope. Optimists carry an inner belief that good will prevail. They effortlessly see the positive and expect things to turn out well. Optimism is linked to several benefits including resiliency and persistence in the pursuit of goals.
5. Meaningful Work
There is a difference between a “job” and “work.” A job satisfies our financial and physical needs. Work that satisfies our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs provides deep meaning to our lives. (Tanis Helliwell. Take Your Soul to Work. 1999). Engaging in work that is meaningful to our heart and soul brings joy, creativity, and learning, along with a positive increase in resilience.
Take a few minutes now to check out your personal resiliency score using the scale below:
Brief Resilience Scale (BRS)
Smith, B.W., Dalen, J., Wiggins, K., Tooley, E. Christopher, P., and Bernard, J. (2008). The brief resilience scale: assessing the ability to bounce back. International journal of behavioral medicine, 15(3), 194-200.
Please respond to each item by marking one box per row
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
Neutral
Agree
Strongly Agree
BRS 1
I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 2
I have a hard time making it through stressful events.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 3
It does not take me long to recover from a stressful event.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 4
It is hard for me to snap back when something bad happens.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 5
I usually come through difficult times with little trouble.
1
2
3
4
5
BRS 6
I tend to take a long time to get over set-back in my life.
1
2
3
4
5
Scoring: Add the responses varying from 1 – 5 for all six items giving a range from 6 – 30. Divide the total sum by the total number of questions answered.
Total score: _________ item average / 6
My score: _________ (average)
BRS Score
Interpretation
1.00 – 2.99
Low resilience
3.00 – 4.30
Normal resilience
4.31 – 5.00
High resilience
Strengthening your resilience can help you cope better as you continue to face life’s challenges.
The incredible state of uncertainty foisted on us by the Covid Pandemic is taking an enormous toll on our mental health. In a 2020 worldwide survey, Gallup Research found that roughly seven in 10 people are struggling or suffering in their lives.
To begin, I invite you to take a few minutes to check your current Stress Index using this Canadian Mental Health tool https://cmha.ca/whats-your-stress-indexThe purpose of the tool and this article is not to increase your worry but rather to provide strategies for mitigating ongoing distress.
Every individual needs an optimum level of stress to enhance performance. Both too little and too much stress can be detrimental to a person’s health. Following the Stress Response being triggered in our brain we experience a “fight, flight or freeze” reaction. In the ideal situation our body quickly returns to a fully relaxed state after that arousal.
However, when a state of “chronic stress” goes on for weeks or months, the normal functions of our body’s systems are inhibited, with the buildup of stress hormones Adrenalin and Cortisol contributing to mental and physical health issues.
The good news is that chronic stress overload is both preventable and reversible. And that requires consistent and intentional action on the part of the individual. Consider this quote from the Canadian Institute of Stress. “It is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than to think your way into a new way of acting.”
I hope you will find some of the following action ideas helpful.
Practicing Acceptance
Not accepting the reality of what is, can keep you in a perpetual state of conflict with yourself. Life is too short to waste time trying to change what is simply not within your power to control. Determining “what matters most” and then acting about that can bring peace of mind, despite uncertainty. Give yourself permission to make peace with whatever it is you cannot change and apply that focused energy on what you do have the power to control.
Reducing News and Technology
Two realities in our current context are information overload and technology exhaustion. Judiciously choose what you are exposed to by limiting television news, internet surfing and use of email as a communication tool. Nearly 60% of e-mail content is misunderstood. If it is critical, try a phone conversation instead. And if you are spending several hours a day on Zoom or other platforms, build in time for calm and healthy distractions. Our brain cannot tell the difference between a threat that is real or perceived, so the stress response is being triggered by any or all these conditions every day, all day long.
Connecting With Others
The power of human contact cannot be underestimated. Research has shown that friendships ignite the part of the brain that makes us feel good and has also proven that friendship can extend life expectancy. Quality friendships help us deal with stress, make good choices, and rebound from setbacks. Friendships also reduce mental health problems like anxiety and depression. Despite the current Covid restrictions we must find ways to stay connected with our close friends and others we love. Regular phone calls and other ways to connect need to be built into our daily routines. I recently bought AirPods for easy conversations with friends or family while I'm walking – works great!
Nurturing Your Essence
Essence is the real and ultimate nature of the individual—the yearning of one's heart and soul. Being true to one’s essence brings meaning to our daily lives. The following list may be ways to nurture your essence. Add your own ideas to the list and then reflect on each item.
Knowing what it is I am meant to do and be.
Having a sense of belonging, caring and mattering.
Realizing what brings me peace and joy.
Finding my voice.
Connecting to my vulnerability
Being playful. Having FUN!
Controlling Perfectionism/Idealism/Drivenness Through Self-Awareness
I am a self-declared “workaholic on a healing journey” following burnout 20 years ago. The red words in the heading above could all have been used to describe me at that time. There is an interesting belief in the burnout literature – “You can’t burnout if you were never lit up in the first place.” It has taken years for me to learn to wake up and slow down.
What I understand now is that I must be persistent and consistent about implementing measures to guard my physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. Along with meditative walks in nature, one of my favourite tools, is regular therapeutic massage.
The following information comes from my very wise massage therapist Louise Gunn:
“When you are self-aware, you are totally focused on what is happening in that moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow, not regretting or worrying about the future. Your breathing slows, your mind calms and your body relaxes. Practicing self-awareness is important because it helps us cope with negative emotions and feelings such as impatience, anxiety, anger, and fear, which in turn reduces stress. Massage is just one way to practice self-awareness – a slow walk in the woods, a hot bath, sitting quietly in daily meditation or yoga are also ways to connect with yourself.”
Louise Gunn is a Registered Massage Therapist. She works at Joral Hair Design and Massage in Edmonton. Hours and days are flexible. Rates range from $90 to $125 for 60 and 90-minute sessions. You can get in contact via call or text Louise at 780-906-4088.
There is only one of you on this earth; take respectful care of yourself.
